Saturday 8 December 2012

SURVIVORS. Kate Middleton, hyperemesis, and me.


There are Holocaust survivors. There are breast cancer survivors. There are Survivors on TV. And now, brought to you by the Globe & Mail’s Stephanie Nolen, there are HYPEREMESIS SURVIVORS.

But to go all the way from the tragic to SURVIVOR LITE: There’s ME. What have I survived, you ask. After searching my humdrum life, I offer you this list. I have survived

CATCALLS from construction workers who did some risky footwork on the scaffold to praise my boobs. I know. I’m talking about another era, when men had the nerve to notice women’s boobs out loud.

I survived
HIGH HEELS -- although they didn’t always survive me. As in when I fell down the stairs at the Bluma Apple Theatre and broke the heel of my shoe. Since I was visibly pregnant at the time, the management worried. Not about me, but about a potential law suit. I was practically carried to my seat. The shoe was returned to me at intermission, with the heel fully rehabilitated. The baby, in case you are interested, kept his cool and stayed put until due. I wonder: if he develops a phobia for stilettos, can I still sue the theatre, or is there a statute of limitations?

I survived
THE HEARTBREAK OF PSORIASIS. Watch the classic Denorex commercial on YouTube so you can fully appreciate my suffering. I’ll save you the rest of my heartbreaks, or family members will sue me for loss of privacy.

I survived
PETS my children foisted on me. Sometimes THEY survived, too. Like the gerbil that escaped when I cleaned his cage and slipped into the heating duct. Luckily for him it was summer and he re-emerged eventually, dusty but alive.

I survived AIR CANADA food.

I survived MY OWN COOKING during the first year of my marriage when I finally came to realize what my mother had been doing in the kitchen all those years. Survival hints: 1.Involve spouse. 2. Visit frozen food section in supermarket. 3. Order pizza.

I know, I know. My list is pathetic, and I’m still on the bottom rung of survivors.
Come to think of it: I’d like to keep it that way.

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