We
have come a long way since Peter Singer wrote Animal Liberation in 1975. According to an Ipsos-Reid survey (Globe, 14 December), Quebec is now the
last bastion of pet traditionalists, who insist on treating their furry friends
like animals. The rest of us treat them as equals, realizing that their emancipation
offers tremendous career opportunities. We will need:
PHILOLOGISTS
to create politically correct dictionaries replacing the words “animals” with
PEOPLE OF FUR (POF), “pet owners” with POF ATTENDANTS, and animals used for “breeding”
with NATURAL POF PARENTS, etc.
LAWYERS,
to get the UN to adopt a declaration of POF rights and to represent POFs in
court. When someone gets attacked by a pit bull, why is the dog put down rather
than the human? In divorce cases, who gets to keep the pups? And, equally
important, the pup house and furnishings – the fine china bowls, the shearling
and alpaca coats, the designer leashes?
MUNICIPAL
POLITICIANS, to keep children out of public parks and off the sidewalks, or at
least put them on leashes. We need advocates for safe POF car seats, separate
lanes for cars carrying POFs, and separate seating in restaurants. They provide
booster seats for kids, so why not perches for POFs? Separate washrooms are a
disputed issue – should POFs allow themselves to be humanized and forced to use
litter stations, or should they insist on following their natural fouling
instincts?
The
discrimination suffered by pets at present is so horrendous we don’t know where
to begin. Why are there no pet spas offering Botox for Shar Peis? Why is there
no free kindergarten for kittens? What about minimum pay, mandatory holidays,
and pension benefits for service dogs?
We’ll
need
PHILOSOPHERS,
to solve the thorny question of identity. What is a POF? Do Furbies qualify? What
about men with hairy backs? Women who don’t wax? But maybe that’s
a question for
PSYCHOLOGISTS,
when they are not busy with abuse cases. Not every foster parent treats his/her
fur kid like a beloved child. Some people have POFs for all the wrong reasons.
They are the underdogs in their office and compensate for it by lording it over
their fur kids. We need psychologists to
help POFs to deal with the trauma of authoritarian foster parents, teach them
to become more assertive about their rights and train them in the effective use
of howling, biting, scratching, and gnawing furniture.
Helen
Hobbs (petsatpeace.com) notes that humans have become addicted to screens and handheld
devices, so now only POFs can provide a direct and “pure connection”. Let’s
call it what it is – not a connection, but an opportunity for inappropriate
touching and harassment. Humans ought to remember the first rule about POF
dating: Let your POF initiate any contact. Allow him to lick you first before
licking back, and don’t go beyond his invitation with unwanted kisses or
stroking.
We'll
need
THEOLOGIANS.
Last Halloween some misguided POF attendant dressed his dog up as Satan. I’m asking
you. Why not as God? The God of Fur (GOF), I mean. POFs used to be worshipped.
Think of the mummified cats in Egyptian tombs, the biblical golden calf, the
Hindu elephant deity Ganesha. The modern Western world, by contrast, is full of
human idols. We need a new Dante to unveil the horrors of the POF Inferno and
the beauty of the POF Paradise.
And
finally, we need
ARCHITECTS,
to build a furry cathedral with altars to St. ALPO, patron of hungry POFs, the
martyr KING KONG, patron of high rise dwelling POFs, and the Great Enabler, DECADENCE.
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