Saturday 22 December 2012

Still frantically shopping for Christmas presents? Here are some guaranteed winners:
  • Apocalypse Survival Kit. Available now at deep discounts.
  • membership. No alcohol, no sex, no dancing, no nudity, just sweaty bodies close to you. Plus the thrill of moustache stroking, ear scratching, and footsie tournaments. What can be more fun?
  • Choice of 3 amazing apps: Stupid Actions Undone Service app. Oh, you already tried it, and it doesn’t work? Okay, how about the
  • UFO booking app? Includes green body suit and 50,000 frequent flyer points. No, doesn’t work either? Well, then go for something more down-to-earth that I didn't make up, like
  • Toilet Flush app from Raises toilet seat, pushes lever. Amplified flushing sound not included.
  • Three special gifts for special people: Monkey Shearling coat for the small person in your life.
  • Large-Print edition of Fifty Shades of Gray, boxed set (plus book fork lift for the frail senior in your life)
  • F**K and Other Conversations. A useful phrase book for the teenager in your life.  
  • Gift certificate from, event organizers to the nouveau riche. Bonus: Free limo ride from your front door to the curb.
  • Scissors with etched motivational message “Save now, buy later”. Suitable for cutting up credit cards
  • Custom tattoos. Choose from: TGCIO (Thank Goodness Christmas is Over), TGVRAG (Thank Goodness visiting relatives are gone), TGNMTL (Thank Goodness no more turkey leftovers)

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