GREAT LAST MINUTE CHRISTMAS GIFTS.

 

Still frantically shopping for Christmas presents? Here are some guaranteed winners:

• Apocalypse Survival Kit. Available now at deep discounts.
• Cuddleparty.com membership. No alcohol, no sex, no dancing, no nudity, just sweaty bodies close to you. Plus the thrill of moustache stroking, ear scratching, and footsie tournaments. What can be more fun?
• Choice of 3 amazing apps: Stupid Actions Undone Service app. Oh, you already tried it, and it doesn’t work? Okay, how about the
• UFO booking app? Includes green body suit and 50,000 frequent flyer points. No, doesn’t work either? Well, then go for something more down-to-earth that I didn't make up, like
• Toilet Flush app from lixil.co.jp. Raises toilet seat, pushes lever. Amplified flushing sound not included.
• Three special gifts for special people: Monkey Shearling coat for the small person in your life.
• Large-Print edition of Fifty Shades of Gray, boxed set (plus book fork lift for the frail senior in your life)
• F**K and Other Conversations. A useful phrase book for the teenager in your life.  
• Gift certificate from trumpyourneighbour.com, event organizers to the nouveau riche. Bonus: Free limo ride from your front door to the curb.
• Scissors with etched motivational message “Save now, buy later”. Suitable for cutting up credit cards
• Custom tattoos. Choose from: TGCIO (Thank Goodness Christmas is Over), TGVRAG (Thank Goodness visiting relatives are gone), TGNMTL (Thank Goodness no more turkey leftovers)

MERRY CHRISTMAS!