Sunday 27 October 2013


What’s on this weekend in Toronto?
The Zoomer Show, which encourages the 45+ crowd to live big and offers them the lifestyle of their choice. What are the trending topics? According to an ad in the Globe (23 Oct): gardening, alternative health, getting out of debt and winning a vacation. Yes, folks, that’s living big after 45. The show keeps sober hours (Sa 9-5, Su 10-5), but I guess when you are 45+, eight hours of living big is plenty. For entertainment, visitors can listen to Alan Frew, who looks Zoomerish and is wearing the kind of hat you see on Yodelers in the Austrian Alps. I wonder what’s underneath that hat. A bald pate?
I’m asking because that’s one of the lifestyle concerns of Zoomers -- how to avoid baldness and the Yodel hat cover-up. Good news, people! Dr. Colin Jahoda of Durham University just had a scientific breakthrough. He gathered human dermal papilla cells into clusters, transplanted them into foreskin tissue obtained from newborns, and TADA -- new hair follicles. So take heart, Zoomers, you will soon be able to grow new hair, even on your foreskin.

Muscle tone is another area in which Zoomers demand improvement. Maybe that’s why they are into alternative health, but if that doesn’t work and they still can’t perform the way they used to in their 20s, they should consider the world of eSports. According to the Globe (26 Oct) gaming has evolved into legitimate careers causing a new subculture to explode. I wonder--does eSport have a sex division? Just asking, what with alternative health and hairy foreskins.

Another thing Zoomers are into is downsizing. So here is something that should appeal to them: an auction of architect-designed miniature houses, about 3 feet tall. Okay, you can’t live in them, unless you have teeny-tiny fingers and toes, are exceptionally agile and very good at what designer Christopher Leonard calls envisioning a new environment. In any case, those miniature houses are fun to look at and you can furnish them with miniature design furniture you couldn’t afford at full scale. Maybe your kids could use one as a dollhouse? No, no, no! According to collector Christina Ferrara, who has 19 miniature houses (Globe 24 Oct), they are just too personal. Unlike kids who are sort of generic, right?


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