Thursday 17 October 2013

PERSONAL SERVICE. Your initials and a Rogers outage

Want to keep mom from checking out your Facebook wall? What about Loews or Hyatt? Apparently hotels now track their guests through social media so that they can provide special touches like stitching their initials into the pillow (Globe, 14 Oct). That’s what you always wanted in a hotel room, right? Never mind the outrageous price, the inconvenient location, or the noisy air conditioner -- as long as you fall asleep with your initials caressing your cheek.

Let me suggest other useful applications for the micropersonal touch:

Supermarkets: preloaded carts with your initials on the wheels. They’ve scraped the web and know what you want and need.  Just remember to give them a warning when you decide to go on a diet. Or should they be able to glean that from the social media?

Clothes shopping in person: pre-stocked dressing rooms with your initials on the privacy curtain. Just let them know that your diet was successful and you lost ten pounds – oh, okay, they already know that through the social media.

Dating: You’ve come up against the thorny question whether no means yes or vice versa? Settle it by scraping the social media for your date’s preferences. And don’t forget to tattoo your initials into his/her arm.

Social media could definitely help ending unwanted relationships. A recent Rogers outage, for example, left poor Will Adams anxious (Globe, Oct 11). He thought his girlfriend had dumped him because she hadn’t texted him in, OMG, two minutes. Will’s logical reasoning gives me an idea. Could we make a 2-minute-plus electronic silence the universal dump sign? Please, Rogers, help me out here. Could you micromanage my texts and zap bullies, boring acquaintances, and penis enlargement offers with a 2-minute-plus deliberate outage?


No comments:

Post a Comment