Saturday 16 March 2013

Rummel’s Good Advice Column cont. PROJECTING THE RIGHT IMAGE.

Dear Rummel: The other day I heard a rapper sing “Nigga, Nigga, Nigga”. I used the same term to explain to a job applicant why I couldn’t hire him, and guess what: he charged me with discrimination. How come I’m being sued when those guys on YouTube get away with it? Honest Employer.

Dear Honest: They are legally exempt because “African-American” is hard to fit into rap lyrics. Also, you are permitted to diss your own ethnic group or class. For example, if you had signed yourself “Idiot”, no one would have been offended. Also, some groups make for easier targets than others. Forget hitting on Muslims. They can be really touchy. Feel an ugly mood coming on? Vent your snark on Christians. They are supposed to turn the other cheek. There are always “in” targets you can insult with impunity: used-car salesmen, for example, are an easy mark. So are corrupt politicians, serial murderers (make sure they are behind bars), and immigrants (in selected states). Just go with the flow.

Dear Rummel: I read somewhere that Facebook’s data mining people can peg your IQ by looking at what you “like”. I want to make an intelligent impression. Also, I want to come across as a real man (I haven’t come out to my parents yet). What should I “like”? Closet Intellectual.

Dear Closet: Go for curly fries. No, I’m serious. According to the LA Times (12 March), algorithms prove that curly fry lovers are cerebral. Now if you also want to appear macho, DO NOT “like” the Facebook page “Sometimes I just lay in bed and think about life”. That’s for women or worse.  And do not comment that “lay in bed” is grammatically incorrect. That doesn’t prove you are intelligent. It just shows that you are a pompous ass and a nitpicker. Also, stay away from “liking” tiered wedding cakes with two men on top. The algorithms (and your parents) will pick up on that.

Dear Rummel: I am a warlord with a gang of dedicated boys ready to maim, rape, or blow up anything that gets in our way, but I’m told I have to improve my image if I want to advance and become a dictator. Any advice? Also, how do I obtain foreign aid and military shipments? Everyone else seems to get them. Joe (not my real name).

Dear Unreal: Work on your language. To begin with, don’t call the USA the “Great Satan.” Refer to America respectfully as “No Country For Old Men” and watch the movie for useful pointers on maiming and killing. And do not call your boys a “gang”. That word sends out the wrong message. Go with “insurrectionists” or “freedom fighters” or be creative and call them “democratists”. The West loves all derivatives of demo. Also: stop raping women. You are wasting a valuable resource. Western powers want to see women in top positions (and I’m not talking about the pro and cons of the Missionary position). Don’t even think of dressing one of your child soldiers in a burka and presenting him as your spokeswoman. That’s been done, and it didn’t work. Check In any case, do not call your followers “boys” – they are orphans or refugees. Women, raped or not, should always be referred to as victims of violence. Remember: Better management of language is the first step to foreign aid.

To all you foreign aid seekers out there: the spokesmen of the Greek military are your go-to guys. They are genius. I quote from the LA Times, 13 March:

Only poverty keeps the Greek military from starting a war with Turkey. They are so poor, they have to be content with DINGHIES DOGGING FRIGATES --beautiful alliteration, no? Now for an inspired heaping up of metaphors: Their army ISN’T JUST BLEEDING, it is BOILING. There was no REAL FLEXING OF THE MUSCLE. The financial constraints are STRANGLING Greek military capability.

Is that eloquent, or what? I bet you military aid is on its way as we speak.

No comments:

Post a Comment