Saturday 2 March 2013

ASK AMY – The hard-core stuff you don’t see in advice columns.

Heart ache. Bad manners. Brats. Meddling in-laws -- Amy, you get the easy stuff. I handle real posers, like:

Dear Dr. Rummel, I have a pet boa constrictor and an old dog with large vet bills. My wife suggested I feed the dog to the boa constrictor. We got into a huge fight. I want her to apologize. Am I being unreasonable?  Man with wife and pets.

Dear MWWP: This is a hard one to call. I suggest you aim for a compromise. Feed your wife to the boa, sell the TV rights to a reality show, and split the proceeds with the survivor. It’s a win-win situation. You’ll be able to pay off the vet bills. If the boa survives, you can start charging him rent. And you won’t have to feed him for a long time. 

Dear Dr. Rummel, I have a bit of a temper, and accidents happen, but I beat the murder rap. Mind you, the lawyer cost me a fortune, and I had to take anger and violence control counseling. I also managed to beat drug trafficking charges, but only after eliminating the witness. It took a lot of detailed planning and strategizing, let me tell you. But now I’m worried. I like to watch stuff in the privacy of my bedroom. What if they nab me? I don’t trust “three times lucky”. Maybe it’s time to embark on a legitimate career. Any suggestions?  Lucky Bugger.

Dear Lucky Bugger, given your solid experience in the field of sex and violence, I think you would do extremely well as a movie producer. Contact sports are another field in which your expertise will pay off, on the field and in the showers. Just stay away from Penn State. They no longer like that stuff there. Or, put your strategizing skills to work and get on the board of a pharmaceutical company. Two words: DRUG TRIALS. You have experience in both!

Dear Dr. Rummel, I am one of the ex-councillors of Bell, CA. The voters made a big fuss because we didn’t attend meetings and paid ourselves “huge” salaries. Since when is $ 100,000 a huge salary? If I lived in L.A. or New York I’d have to line up at the soup kitchen! Anyway, those narrow minded schmucks won’t vote for me again. What do I do now? Six Figures Jack.

Dear Six Figures, you would have done well in pyramid schemes, but I’m afraid Bernie Madoff ruined the game for everyone. So I suggest you move to the 419 zip code – that’s Nigeria. Apparently their scams still work. For tips, read Will Ferguson’s bestselling book, entitled 419. But maybe too many people have read it by now, and the scheme is dead. Why don’t you move to Canada instead? The Liberal Party in the province of Ontario was so hard up for candidates, they had to elect a woman! You have no Canadian experience? Don’t worry. The ex-leader of the Federal Liberals, Michael Ignatieff, lived for twenty years in England, then moved to the US. Nobody thought that years of non-residence disqualified him from Canadian politics. Oh, but Canada is a bilingual country, and you don’t speak French? So what? Former Prime Minister Jean Chretien didn’t speak English. Nobody cares if your grammar is bad, as long as your lies are good. So, best of luck, Six Figures, and keep me posted.

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