HOW’S THE WEATHER?

Nice if you happen to be in California. Freezing if you happen to be in Ontario. Here are some remedies for those who are still out in the cold.

Denial. Repeat after me: THERE IS NO WINTER. It’s hysteria to insist that there is a winter! It’s phony science! It’s the greatest hoax ever perpetrated on the people of Canada!  

Visit local schools and spread the gospel: SAY NO TO WINTER!

Alternatively: Stay indoors until spring is well established. Put plywood over your windows to minimize the shock of seeing bundled up people and salt encrusted cars.

Fantasy escape. Cover your living room floor with a foot of sand, decorate with potted palms and beach chairs, turn up heat, play Aloha music. Or:

Put in a jungle landscape. Bonus tip: reserve a corner of your living room for cultivating cannabis. It flourishes under moist and warm conditions and will help offset your electricity bill.

Strategic placement of friends and relatives. Urge your nearest and dearest to move to places like Hawaii, California, or Florida. Visit them frequently. Here I must confess to a total failure of parental authority. Ignoring my preferences, my children insist on working in places where Google mappers fear to tread, places that make Toronto winters look benign by comparison. But wait, that gives me an idea! Maybe I could use

Comparative thinking. Visit James Bay or northern Alberta and on my return enjoy balmy 0C (32 F). Additional joys: Feel fingers and toes that are not frost bitten. Take bathroom breaks that do not involve unwrapping multiple layers of clothes. Breathe invisibly. Celebrate return with bonfire of snowshoes.

Strategic numbers. For those who use Celsius, there is an even easier solution. Think of your weather in Fahrenheit. 32 F looks a hell of a lot better than 0 C, right?

Make the best of it. Suppress memories of days when schools were closed due to inclement weather, and your kids were home driving you crazy. Think positive.

Slipping on the ice and putting out your back may lead to early retirement and a life of ease. Bonus tip: sue the city for neglecting to clear the road and collect a tidy sum to make riding your wheelchair more fun.

On a more modest scale: add to your vacation days by pretending to be snowed in at the cottage. Bonus tip: no doctor’s certificate needed.