WE REGRET THE ERROR. Corrections and retractions from Dorner to Aspirin.

THE CHRISTOPHER DORNER SAGA in the LA Times. LAPD officers locate Dorner’s Nissan Titan and fire at the murderer. NO, WAIT. That was actually a Toyota Tacoma, and the driver was a 71-year old woman. Police scour Bear Lake area and finally give the all-clear to residents. NO, WAIT, Dorner is actually holed up in one of the chalets there and has kidnapped two cleaning women. NO, WAIT, it’s actually a cleaning couple, husband and wife. NO, WAIT, they are actually the owners of the chalet. Dorner, meanwhile, has died a fiery death. BUT WAIT for news of his resurrection.

THE HELMUT OBERLANDER SAGA in the Toronto Star. The Ukrainian settled in Canada in 1954. NO, WAIT, he was German. NO, WAIT, he was born in the Ukraine, but of German extraction. He is stripped of his Canadian citizenship for withholding his association with the SS (2008). NO, SCRATCH THAT. His citizenship is restored. There is no proof for his collaboration with the Nazis (2009). NO, WAIT, there is. Oberlander stripped of Canadian citizenship – until further notice (2012).

THE PEACHES CHRIST EPISODE in The San Francisco Chronicle. He appeared at Most Holy Redeemer Church with a dildo shaped like a crucifix. Who? Christ or Peaches? NO, WAIT. Neither Christ nor Peaches. “Nor does he use the prop.” Oh. What does he use then?

THE COLONEL JEHLANI SHAFIQ MOMENT in The Australian. “It’s not like 25 years ago. I was killing everybody.” NO, WAIT, they got the punctuation wrong. He meant “It’s not like 25 years ago I was killing everybody.” Say what? Oh, the grammar was wrong too.

THE ASPIRIN FUTURE. A timeline.

• 1960s: Aspirin touted as an antidote to HOUSEWORK FATIGUE (check out vintage-adventures.com). 
• 1980s: NO, WAIT. It’s only good against FEVERS AND HEADACHES.
• 1990s: Daily Aspirin will keep STROKES away, too.
• 2000: NO, WAIT. It may actually induce ischemic strokes, heart attacks, and bleeding in the stomach.
• 2020: Aspirin shown to EXTEND LIFE in laboratory mice.
• 2025: Take Aspirin and live to 100.
• 2030: Too many people living to 100. Pension and health care plans collapse. Aspirin OUTLAWED.
• 2035: Huge Canadian Aspirin trafficking ring bust. Aspirin DRUG WAR in Mexico continues.