TRAVEL DESTINATIONS. Rummel’s Trip Hazard Advisory.

 

Acapulco: Do not venture more than two blocks from the beach. That’s the advice of travel.state.gov, but to get the real dirt on travel hazards, read on:

West Coast: FLYING BULLET HAZARD. LAPD hunting a murderer -- Christopher Dorner, black male, driving a gray Nissan Titan -- shot two women in a blue Toyota Tacoma by mistake. After that the murderer abandoned his vehicle. I guess he didn’t feel safe. So take a hint. When in LA, don’t drive a van/pickup of any color. And duck when you see an LAPD car.

East coast: WEATHER HAZARD. Don’t drive a van on the East Coast either. I suggest renting a snow plough sleeping four.

Teheran: UNPREDICTABLE, but watch ARGO for survival tips.

Beijing: INDUSTRIAL POLLUTION HAZARD. Stock up on Chen Guangbiao’s canned air from the pristine regions of north-west China.

Rome: UNDETERMINED POLLUTION HAZARD. Something in the air makes old men give up. Don’t suffer the fate of Pope Benedict. Take along Cheng’s canned air. No, make that Damascus air -- Assad isn’t giving up, right?

Note to GOP: Send Clint Eastwood to Rome ASAP.

GETTING TO YOUR DESTINATION:.

By air. If travelling on a Boeing 787 Dreamliner, remember: Working BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED.

By car. Watch for VERTIGO introduced by gas prices, as you enter California. They’ve shot up from 3.69 to 4.19 in one month.

By rocket. Check out spaceadventures.com. It’s not happening yet, the cost is stiff, and coming back is dicey, but take my advice:

Start your funding campaign now and send your favourite politician/cardinal/relative on a long trip.