HEY! A word from your trend spotter.

Message to all traditionalists who start their emails with HI. Time to switch to HEY. I’ve just received an email from Bulgaria using that trendy greeting. Yup, the American vernacular has reached the shores of Kozloduy. Check it out on a map of Bulgaria. Zoom in. It’s that little speck by the Danube. Kozloduyans are saying HEY to you.

Other trendy words: SUBSTANTIAL ADVANCE PLANNING. No, we are not talking about mortgages here. We are talking about gay couples. Opposite sex partners, you see, have a UNIQUE SOCIAL DIFFICULTY: unplanned pregnancies. For some reason that never happens to gay couples. And now, thanks to an article in the LA Times (26 Jan), I know why: they are good at SUBSTANTIAL ADVANCE PLANNING.

TREND SPOTTING has been around for a while and has become a marketable skill. Even people like me are catching on. So let me tell you about a new trend in CHARITY MARKETING.

Hollow-eyed waifs, severed limbs, keening grandmothers, and other DISASTER PORN is no longer working. People want to be cheered up with bathroom humour or scantily clad nymphets pumping iron or whatever. OK, so the charity business can’t go there, but they are starting to use beautiful landscapes on their letterhead, sunsets, palms, and the like. If you ask me, that’s so lame.

Here is an idea for an exciting CHARITY AUCTION. Winner (vetted by the Church of Scientology of course) gets to spend a night with Tom Cruise. Might be good for both parties, right? Could serve as a reality check.

Tom: Never knew so much flab could hang off one body. Made me puke.

She:  Tom puked all over my carpet. I give up on men. 

No? This approach won’t fly? Then I suggest using corporate sponsors. How does PRADA FOR AIDS sound? But what does PRADA get in return for their money? More than fuzzy good feelings. They get PRODUCT PLACEMENT. The charity promises to show their boots in every African village. Oh, the women don’t wear boots there? They should! A kick in the groin with stiletto heels discourages the most determined rapist. What? Brass knuckles are cheaper? OK, moving on to…

TASMANIA, where David Walsh has elevated the combination of sex and death to art. That’s the theme of his collection. His Museum of Old and New Art (MONA) has become a big tourist attraction, according to the NYer. So why not get him to sponsor AIDS charities? Oh. Running MONA costs 12 Million Dollars/year and makes only 4 Million. Walsh will be a charity case himself soon. But don’t take out your credit card yet. Walsh needs something else. He is deeply disappointed that NONE OF THE HATRED AND CONTEMPT HE EXPECTED HAS EVENTUATED.

HEY, feeling generous? Hate the guy already! Spit on him if you must. But first somebody tell me: Is EVENTUATE a trendy word?