Saturday 9 February 2013

Don’t believe a word they are saying. IT’S A CONSPIRACY.

Let me warn you:
Hamburgers contain horse meat.
Monsanto poisons you with genetically modified food.
And don’t eat chicken. They are injected with water and will give you emphysema if you don’t watch it.

Other conspiracies to watch for, especially if you live in California.
  • Political conspirators balk at spending your tax dollar on an early warning system that will give you 30-60 seconds longer to flee an earthquake. Think what you could do with half a minute! Wake up and CONSCIOUSLY experience the ceiling crushing you. Or, if you’re on the road: stop your car and get rear-ended BEFORE you drop into the giant fissure that has opened up in the highway.
  • And I'm sure Archbishop Gomez thinks it was a conspiracy that records of pedophile priests were made public EXACTLY when he was gearing up for a major fundraiser. Oh, you think it was God’s punishment for Mahony protecting the abusers? Say that out loud, you wretched sinner, and Gomez will make sure you rot in hell!
  • Tet parade organizers are conspiring to exclude LGBT groups ( I advise you to join the Toronto Pride Parade. They are more inclusive. Oh, wait. In 2012, they excluded Jewish groups planning to protest Palestine policy (Globe & Mail, 6 Sept). And Toronto Mayor Robert Ford refused to attend the parade and went to his cabin instead. Leaving town on the weekend of the parade was a family tradition, he said. Bosh! It was a conspiracy.
  • Then there's my novel, PLAYING NAOMI, which did NOT climb the bestseller list. If my next novel, HEAD GAMES, coming out in April, doesn’t sell a million copies, I know for sure it’s a conspiracy. Or else, it’s VOODOO, and someone is punishing me for including a description of a séance. Next thing I’ll turn into my character and, like her, be kidnapped and end up on the border of Bolivia.
         Friends: if I stop posting in April, call Search and Rescue!


1 comment:

  1. What is wrong with readers ? Well, one thing may be that you write too well and most goes over their heads. Or alternatively, you do not write steamily enough so they loose whatever prurient interest they may. Or - well it is NOT on their smart phone (loL) and thus not accessible, due to their short attention span!