Promising advice. From Sarah Symonds to Barak Obama.  

Are you looking for a marriage counsellor? Sarah Symonds is the go-to person, according to a recent article headed ADVICE FOR WIVES (Globe & Mail, 16 August). Will she be sharing the secrets of her long and successful marriage with you? Nope. She is “in the early stages of a romance.” Oh. That’s like your toddler being in the early stages of walking. He’s the go-to person to ask about jogging, right? It’s a novel approach, but why not give it a shot. For example, we could get advice on

ACTING from Ryan Lochte. Here is a hot tip cited in the Toronto Star, 26 August: All you have to do is “memorizing lines and trying to, like, say them and still, like, do movement and all that.” Way to go, Ryan. That’s bound to get you an Oscar nomination!

Or we could get advice on my favourite topic:

HOW TO BECOME FAMOUS from Canadian Opera Company director Alexander Neef. He arrived four years ago,“a virtual unknown in this city,” according to the Toronto Star (26 August). A reliable source tells us: “I have seen him in shorts and flip flops. It was a bit of a shock.” In spite of such provoking behaviour, however, Neef “remains a mystery.” If you ask me, it can only be another ten years before people learn to pronounce his name. Next step: Total celebrity.

But you say you aren’t interested in acting or celebrity. You just want advice on

DRIVING SAFELY. Check out the advice in former attorney general Michael Bryant’s new book, 28 SECONDS. That's how long it took him to kill a drunken bicyclist and be charged with dangerous driving.  He was acquitted of the charge, but the book, reviewer John Barber tells us, is “still a story about friends in high places.” So if you don’t move in those circles, maybe you should be looking for advice on

SCHMOOZING WITH THE RICH. Surely Barak Obama can give us a few tips on the acquisition and maintenance of wealthy friends and on mastering that first crucial step of satisfying donors, the grip-and-grin photo op. Apparently not. But maybe that’s the fault of his handlers. The other day the President duly circulated among diners who paid 30,000 Dollars each to be in the same room with him. Trouble is, his handlers allowed him only seven minutes per 8-person table. This was “fund-raising as speed-dating,” Jane Mayer writes in the New Yorker (27 August).

So: if all you want is advice from the inept, keep on reading Rummel’s blog. You’ll be amazed and grateful for the stuff I don’t know.