Please send instructions. A Plea to Google, God, and Todd Akin.

In my last post I asked you to become a FOLLOWER. So you clicked on the picture of the beige ticket that said FOLLOW MY BLOG. Nada. Then you clicked on the word FOLLOWERS in the right margin. Nope. Dead. Then you spotted the square thingy that said JOIN THIS SITE and clicked your way to followership – thank you! But guess what: on some screens the square thingy doesn’t show. So you go to Blogger Help, which sends you to Blogger Product Forum, where you find your problem under the dreaded heading KNOWN ISSUES.

Let me tell you, going to Blogger Forum is a biblical experience. Thousands of voices crying in the wilderness: Lord, how do I turn on/off my widget? And the Lord not answering. I guess the whole blogspot business is beneath God’s dignity. Or else I’m going about this the wrong way and should visit the website of my parish and ask for instructions: How to communicate with God.

Here are a few other KNOWN ISSUES that I desperately need instruction for:

BIRTH CONTROL. Please, Congressman TODD AKIN, help me! You say the female body has ways to avoid pregnancy? How exactly do I “shut that whole thing down”? Is there a button I can click on your site? Is it cheaper than contraceptives? Does it work only in case of “legitimate rape” or as long as I’m not having fun?

STRIP POOL. The Sun (August 24) published photos of Prince Harry playing a game of strip pool, which apparently involves getting naked, being hugged by an equally naked girl, and clutching one’s genitals. Help, I need more instructions. What comes after the hugging and clutching? Who wins? If you are over 40, do you still get naked and expose your sagging body parts to Prince Harry and others? Or only if you are drunk/drugged/deeply depressed/constitutionally crazy?

HOW TO ENTERTAIN CHILDREN. In another tantalizing article (The National Post, 23 August) I read that Daycare workers in Delaware formed a toddler fightclub. “He’s pinching me,” one toddler complained. “No pinching, only punching,” the kind daycare uncle informed him. Okay, so that’s one rule. But what about biting? And do the tots have to eat their veggies before they are allowed to enter the ring? So many questions, so few answers.

Here is some consolation: If your question happens to involve pencil sharpening, there is a book just for you: How to Sharpen Pencils, by David Rees. I kid you not. The New York Times Book Review (29 July) says it will “plunge you into delicious confusion.”

Oh. If confusion is all you want, people,just follow this blog.