Going Retro. Forget the Kardashians and bring back the old lies.
Two days ago, the Globe & Mail ran an article under the heading: THE MODS ARE BACK. WHO WERE THE MODS? Right. Let’s call this new trend: BRING BACK WHAT YOU NEVER KNEW OR CARED ABOUT. The possibilities are infinite. Here are a few examples.
CELEBRITY SITES. I’m tired of the Kardashian sisters showing off cleavage and bling or reading of Jennifer’s newest pregnancy that isn’t. Let’s bring back regular boring people. How about pics of gnarly toes in Costco sandals? Or cutting-edge stories of life as a coupon-clipper? Or a poll of street people, rating Mouthwash vs. Niagara plonk?
FACEBOOK PICS. Enough with the cute babies and puppy dogs. What about a close-up of you inhaling your old dog’s breath? Or if you are into babies, what about documenting 4 AM screaming? Get with the retro spirit and show us gramps putting in his dentures or holding up the line at the checkout, as he gropes for exact change.
CARS. Bring back the EDSEL and make your life more exciting. Never a dull moment when you are the owner of a famous lemon. Think of the excitement of not knowing when your power steering will fail. And EDSEL is such sexy name for a car. Rolls off your tongue, doesn’t it? Unlike the German throat-twister VOLKSWAGEN. Speaking of which: Bring back the old Beetle – so cozy! And when you go on holiday, no agonizing about what to bring along, what not to bring along. There is no space for anything. Meanwhile people from the former East Germany will want their TRABANT back. As they used to say: What a car! Fill it up with gas and double its value.
SHOPPING. Forget on-line shopping and the agony of entering all the digits of your postal code and credit card, only to see the page disappear because you hit CTRL by mistake. Bring back the Encyclopedia salesman and the Fuller Brush rep with their entertaining foot-in-the-door antics and astonishing motor mouths. Shut-ins will prefer them to MEALS ON WHEELS. Able-bodied folks will find them handy for afternoon trysts. These guys were so much more flexible than today’s laptop.
TELEVISION. Let’s go back to the good old times of black and white, tiny screen televisions with knobs and only three channels to choose from. Your timetable will suddenly open up. You will want to do your laundry, you will be eager to write that essay, you will jog around the block, just to escape the boring programs. Oh wait, we don’t have to go back to the fifties for boring programs.
MARRIAGE. But we might want to bring back the 50s husband. No more agonizing choices between family and career, ladies. Pampering your man is a full-time job. What were 50s husbands like? According to Jessica Mann and the Daily Mail (15 August), “no man in those days would ever shop, cook, wash up, make beds, lay the table or clear away plates.” That's not retro, you say? You've got one of those husbands at home right now?In that case, forget retro and go for the Science Fiction Trend. But that’s a topic for another day.