Sunday 12 August 2012

Any job’s a good job, Baby?

Child Star Honey Boo Boo

You know the 70s Bachmann Turner Overdrive’s lyrics ANY LOVE IS GOOD LOVE? In this economy, you’d think that applies to jobs as well. But maybe not. Consider these choice occupations:

SWEAT MOPPERS. No, I’m not making this up. Somebody’s got to wipe up the sweat of Olympic athletes. There are custodians keeping the courts dry in the wake of perspiring volleyball, basketball, and handball players (Wall Street Journal, 8 August). Mind you, the job comes with benefits, as Josh Kirk tells us: “The cheerleaders shake their pompoms above our heads and make us feel like royalty.” Okay. I guess there are worse things to clean up than sweat. Puke in a movie theatre, for example, after a showing of KILLER JOE. According to reviewer Adam Nayman, it was like Wayne’s World: “You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll hurl.

DOORMAT for Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, or anything else he steps on, leans on, or embraces. He weighs in at 300 pounds, you know. Newsflash (Toronto Star, 2 August): Mayor opens new Underpass Park, unexpectedly climbs jungle gym. Equipment survives! Whew. Mind you, onlookers reported an earthquake of 3.2 magnitude.

CHILD STAR. Here’s how Honey Boo Boo’s mother explained images of her daughter swigging Red Bull: “Performing and getting a kid up early and lasting all day without a rest, you have to energize that body. There are far worse things. I could be giving her alcohol.” Or inject her with heroin. Or lock her in the basement. Or chain her to the bed. Yes, as readers of THIRTY SHADES OF GREY, we know all about tough love. Honey Boo Boo herself is philosophical: “A dollar makes me holla.” (Globe & Mail, 9 August).

STUDENT AT THE UNIVERSITY OF ESSEN.  Marcel Pohl took his degree at Essen in 20 months instead of the usual 5 ½ years. I’d like to report that he partied for 24 hours or jumped into a pool filled with champagne or led a conga line around the block. But probably not. Huff Post tells us that university administrators felt cheated and asked Pohl to ante up some 4000 Dollars to compensate them for fees lost.

GUARD in Guantanamo Bay. According to TMZ, in a new form of torture, prisoners were subjected to Sesame Street tunes for days on end. And the guards didn’t suffer? Oh, they gave the prisoners headphones.

GOOD SAMARITAN. According to a Swedish newspaper( ), a man lined up for an hour at a local police station to turn in a bike he had found. When the owner was located, the Good Samaritan received a finder’s fee of $ 6. I wonder what the minimum wage is in Sweden? But at least the man got something for his time and effort. According to the Winnipeg Press (22 June 2011) a hospital worker was fired for giving an injured man water. Oh wait: the liquid in the little bottle she put to his mouth was coloured. Mouthwash, she said. The victim didn’t complain. Speechless? Joy-gushed?

No comments:

Post a Comment