Monday 23 July 2012

Spend your money wisely and/or realize your earning power.

It’s the season to travel, and you are wavering between Canada, the US, or Mexico. Maybe this will help you make up your mind:

In love with New York? You’ll never have to leave if you have $500,000 in the bank. That sum will buy you American citizenship. It’s cheaper to buy into Canada, though. We give a bad-weather discount. Another great Canadian opportunity if you like travel: get a licence to kill a walrus. It’s a bargain for under $10,000. You might get hurt in the hunt and need to call your doctor? Well, then Canada may not be the country for you. Doctors don’t give out cell phone numbers there. For that you have to go to the States and fork over $ 1500. Too much, you say? For a discount, cross the Californian border and go to Mexicali. Heck, the doctor there will give you his number for free if you decide to enhance your holiday and have your tummy stapled or your hips liposuctioned while on vacation. 

Where do I get all this fascinating info? Some of it comes from Michael Sandel’s new book, What Money Can’t Buy. If you are more interested in earning rather than spending money, he has some tips for you too.

People will pay you $ 20 for standing in line on their behalf, or $ 1000 for advertising their wares on your forehead, or up to $5000 for being a guinea pig in a drug trial. But those options have limited earning potential. I mean how much advertising fits on your forehead? Here are some fresh ideas for the truly entrepreneurial looking for lasting profits.

Rent-a-bragger. Many people will ask themselves, why advertise other people's stuff on my face, when I can blow my on horn on Facebook? The problem is they can’t come up with a suitable message. If you are a talented bragger, why not sell them self-aggrandizing narcissistic postings at $ 200/pop?

Rent-a-bone. Some people sell their organs, which involves nasty operations and may lead to premature death. No need to take risks if you suffer from arthritis and can tell in your bones when it will rain. Rent out your arthritic bones for a safe weather forecast at $ 50/week, $100, if a long weekend is involved.

Rent-a-sufferer. Those stiletto heels and pointy toes are a pain, especially on the first day you wear your new shoes. Wouldn’t you pay someone to wear them in and cripple their toes for you? Conversely, would you be prepared to suffer if someone paid you? Think about it. There are many and lucrative opportunities for the professional sufferer: rent out your rump and save someone from sitting through boring lectures, from listening to Mom’s nagging on the phone, from writing monthly snail mail letters to elderly relatives who must be humoured because they send large cheques at Christmas. And the list goes on.

Rent-a-bully. You have an unmanageable son who spends much time in the vice-principal’s office? Rent him out to a wimp at $ 20/recess. Give him a way to work out his frustrations and help a vulnerable child at the same time. And while we are on the topic of offsprings,

Rent-a-rich-buddy. If your child goes to a prestigious private school, recoup some of your costs by renting him/her out as a friend to those in need of feeling superior to their pals. This can turn into a career when he/she grows up. There is always a demand for escorts with private school manners to make a good impression at family reunions, office Christmas parties, etc.

And finally: Don’t die for free. Sell your soul to the devil.

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