Do I have a movie for you!

Those on-line movie reviews aren’t really helpful. They tell you the genre – romantic comedy, sci-fi, thriller- and whether it’s good or bad, but how do you know that it’s good or bad for YOU? Here are some categories that will help you find a match for YOUR life style:

Commuter

You need innovative ways of overcoming traffic snarls. Go see THE AMAZING SPIDERMAN or DARK KNIGHT RISES. Spidey’s web, though efficient, comes in a distant second to the Bat-Pod, so beautifully described in the New Yorker as “a motorbike crossed with a very angry praying mantis.” It allows you to make sharp turns without going into “something as tedious as a curve”. That’s the kind of vehicle you need on a dark and rainy night in New York.

Fifty Shades of Gray lover

PROMETHEUS is for you (and you don’t have to wear out your eyes reading). I don’t know why they didn’t call that movie “100 Shades of Gray”. I’m talking about those chic Nehru style gray suits everyone is wearing, not to mention the slick-skinned gray humanoid at the very beginning of the movie. I’d kill for his silver complexion and steely-gray muscles, although they turned out to be water soluble. So if you get hold of the costume, avoid swimming pools. A serious fashion contender is Spidey’s Negative Zone suit, although invisibility can be risky, especially on a dark and rainy night in New York.Tired of gray but definitely into metal? Rent the old OO7 movie, GOLDFINGER.

In an unsatisfactory relationship

Take someone new into your home, like the family in THE IMPOSTER did. They welcomed a young man who claimed to be their missing teenage son. Critics ask how could the family not notice the changes in his appearance? But these critics don’t understand the concept. The whole idea is to get what you want. Those people couldn’t be bothered with a blond, blue eyed, pimpled teenager. They wanted someone darker-eyed, grown up, and with a 5-o’clock shadow. You don’t want an impostor? You want the real thing? In RUBY SPARKS, a writer creates a character who comes to life. Why didn’t I think of that? I could have written myself a perfect spouse/date/child. Only problem: the film doesn’t tell you what to do when you get tired of them. How do you write that person out of your life? You can see the unfortunate consequences in TED. A guy brings his cuddly plush toy to life, and the toy man sticks around and turns into a beer-guzzling, weed-happy party animal, coming between him and his girlfriend. Go see all three films. You may suddenly find your present relationship a lot more satisfactory.

Real estate investor

Check out QUEEN OF VERSAILLES and FAREWELL, MY QUEEN. They are tales of caution for the real-estate obsessed. Not sure what you think about queens, so don’t know which movie would be better for YOU. There seems to be a wide range of queen behaviour. Some common factors: wearing low cut dresses, being a passionate shopper, marrying a monarch (hereditary or time-share king), having many children (minimum four, maximum seven).But there are differences, too: Marie Antoinette is sexually more versatile, also her hair is bigger and her jewellery more tasteful than Jackie Siegel’s, but then Marie A didn’t have to live through construction and put up with plywood stairs and workmen leaving around 2x4s. In any case, there seems to be no happy ending for the inhabitants of super-sized houses. I can see them slipping into bankruptcy, but beheading seems a little extreme.

Couch potato

It’s not often that a film comes along that suits the sedentary lifestyle, a film in which people mostly sit around on upholstered seats. In that respect, COSMOPOLIS is unique. The protagonist only gets up when it’s really, really worth it, like having the doctor prod his anus or killing someone. Carefully watch Robert Pattinson's facial expressions. None. That's right. He is a master of the sedentary style. He doesn't move a muscle unless absolutely necessary. The whole film is a lesson in what you can achieve sitting down: talking, losing your fortune, talking, watching slow moving traffic, talking, watching demonstrations, talking, watching funerals. Did I mention talking?

So now you are equipped to make the right decisions. I know you are already asking yourself: why get an education when you can learn this much from the movies?