IT’S ALL ABOUT THE RIGHT CORRELATION.

As I scour the media for recipes of success, I come to the conclusion that it’s all a matter of correlation. Health and wealth, for example. Here I’ve been fretting about keeping fit and eating balanced meals, which just goes to show how little I know about correlations. It’s money that guarantees your heart will work longer. Poverty correlates with higher rates of disease and death, according to the Globe, 3 June.

What about wealth and politics? I thought the motives for embracing socialism were complex, but actually it comes down to a simple correlation between money and biceps. Men with large bicepses and lots of money don’t want you to share in their wealth, while strong men who are poor believe in redistribution. Don’t tell me: poor people want more of other people’s money! But that’s what Kevin Lewis says in The Boston Globe, and I believe him.

More political correlations, as revealed by Metro, 27 May: Apparently a third of the people who were appointed to the Social Security Tribunal recently created by the Conservative government gave money to the Conservative party. Gosh and golly! There is a correlation between patronage jobs and donations! And I thought appointments were based on merit. Okay, maybe that was simple-minded, but some correlations are hard to see.

 

For example, the connection between a man’s prosperity and the stone lions placed on the steps of the China Tobacco building in Zoumajie. To solve that puzzle you need to know feng shui, the ancient practice of arranging objects to improve your health, prosperity and luck. The guys across the street from the China Tobacco Building immediately recognized the placement of the lions for what it was: the enemy at work. The felines were a secret attack on their prosperity. So of course they built a stone wall to block their unlucky stares (NYT, 9 June). Here is an even more mysterious correlation for you:

 

Why does your autocorrect function change cooperation to Cupertino? Answer: Cupertino is the California town that Apple Inc calls home. Get it? The machine has a built-in bias in favour of its maker. Still want cooperation rather than Cupertino?  I guess you aren’t thinking sufficiently like a machine. Luckily, Dmitry Itskov has an avatar in the works, but you will have to wait until 2045 for a lifelike, low-cost version of yourself that comes with a download of your brain and personality. At least that correlation is easy to understand. The avatar is just like you, but cheaper.

 

Guess who gets your job?

Living is dangerous to your health. Essential knowledge for survivors.

Whatever you do, keep moving. Lack of physical activity causes 1 in 10 deaths, as Carly Weeks tells us in the Globe & Mail (23 July). And she doesn’t even mention contributing factors that will make your death more likely, statistically speaking, such as:

Lying in Bed

-Lying down may inhibit physical activity. Learn to sleep standing up!

-You are engaging in physical activity while lying down with your neighbour’s wife. Don't.  Adulterous sex is 38 % more likely to induce a heart attack than sex with your mate of 27 years.

Dangerous driving

Watch for these factors contributing to death:

-Riding in an ambulance. Those ambulance drivers are 56 % more likely to run a red light than your average drunken teenager.

- Riding a getaway car after robbing a bank. Getaway car drivers are 78% more likely to run a red light than a drunken teenager, AND there’s a 32% risk of being hit by flying bullets from pursuing cop cars.

Chocking

Watch out for these factors contributing to death:

-You own a boa constrictor and forgot to feed it.

-You’ve just been handed the mechanic’s bill for the repair of your car.

Drowning

Contributing factor:

-You dissed the local Mafioso and your feet are encased in concrete.

Conversely:

-If “drowning” is a metaphor for being in debt, you have an excellent chance of survival. Only 0.03% of the population die of metaphors.

Presence of medical personnel

-Contact with the medical profession has been documented prior to 48% of deaths. So, stay away from doctors, nurses, and ambulance drivers (especially ambulance drivers; see above "Dangerous Driving").

-Aggravating factor: presence of cleric administering last rites

Lying in a coffin

This condition has been shown to be 99% lethal, unless you are a vampire or zombie or the coffin is being used in a Halloween play.     

Being human

The rate of death in human beings is 99.9%.

Contributing factors: DNA

There is a small possibility of recall through Ouija board app (0.001%) or reincarnation (0.02%). Outright immortality may be achieved through poetry (0.03%) or deification (depending on era and continent, 0.01-0.03%). And that’s it, I’m afraid.

No wait, there is one other possibility, if you can manage not to die before 2045. By that time, you’ll be able to upload your mind to a hologram-avatar and live forever, according to Dmitry Itskov who is working on the technology. Itskov, who received the blessing of the Dalai Lama for his project, doesn’t say how much he will charge for his services. At this point he is pitching them to the world’s billionaires. So if you are not in that select group, you may have to fall back on reincarnation and take your chances on being reborn as a toad.