What I like about the Petraeus Affair.

Monday was Remembrance Day. Not coincidentally, there were a lot of military faces in the media, average age creeping up to 90. So, you know what’s really heartening about the Petraeus affair? Two women, 40 and under, are at the centre of it. Yup. Youngish. Women. With toned arms. And hair you could lose your hand in (quoting Junot Diaz here). Yet those types don’t often make it to the top of the military news. Even Entertainment news, traditionally reserved for the young and bodacious, has been invaded by old-timers. You don’t think so? Read my post of 30 August on Geriatric Movies.

The dental implant smile is everywhere, oldsters looking into the cameras, beagle-eyed, sadly painful, nutcracker-style.

IN POLITICS Castro,86, half-dead and scoffing at death rumours. Baroness Thatcher,85, brain-dead, but reanimated in a bio pic by Meryl Streep. And Mao, fully dead but still staring down on the Forbidden City from IMAX-sized posters.

IN RELIGION, the Pope,85, recently declared that IT IS BEAUTIFUL TO BE OLD:telegraph.co.uk. He and the Dalai Lama, a youthful 77, rule their congregations de facto, while Ayatollah Khomeini is only present in the spirit and in glowering images, shaggy brows disapproving of all fun.

IN MUSIC, the average age of oldsters drops to the 70s. OK, Leonard Cohen is an elegant old codger and still has poetry in his heart. But can we get over Mick (“I got nasty habits”) Jagger and Wrinkled Richards? And what’s with Ancient Babyface Paul McCartney, rumoured to be dead since ’69 and surfacing alive once again after a terrifying experience. His helicopter became DISORIENTATED, as hecklerspray.com tells us. So, please, please, can we move on to tech-house music now? The synthesizers always look good.

IN LITERATURE, kudos to Alice Munro. She’s the exception to the old-timer rule. Refused to be considered for the Giller Prize, remembered that there is a next generation.

No kudos for octogenarian Tom Wolfe, author of Bonfire of the Vanities, best-seller of yore and master of overstuffed prose today. What can I say about his latest book, BACK TO BLOOD? Let me quote the master himself: AahhhuhwaaaAHHHHHock! I second the Globe & Mail reviewer: Toss Wolfe’s mimetic nonsense on the bonfire.

And then there is Herman Wouk, another former best-selling author. Reviewer Michael Posner coyly admits he thought Wouk was dead, but he’s 97 and alive. So, OK, I’ll go with Posner on that one. Respect your elders and concede: At that age WOUK SHOULD BE SALUTED FOR GETTING OUT OF BED, let alone writing a novel.

The merciful thing about authors: You don’t have to look at their faces. Skip the author photo on the back cover of their books. Don’t go there, and you’ll be fine on the aesthetic front. As for literary taste, consult your inner lit.crit.

Living is dangerous to your health. Essential knowledge for survivors.

Whatever you do, keep moving. Lack of physical activity causes 1 in 10 deaths, as Carly Weeks tells us in the Globe & Mail (23 July). And she doesn’t even mention contributing factors that will make your death more likely, statistically speaking, such as:

Lying in Bed

-Lying down may inhibit physical activity. Learn to sleep standing up!

-You are engaging in physical activity while lying down with your neighbour’s wife. Don't.  Adulterous sex is 38 % more likely to induce a heart attack than sex with your mate of 27 years.

Dangerous driving

Watch for these factors contributing to death:

-Riding in an ambulance. Those ambulance drivers are 56 % more likely to run a red light than your average drunken teenager.

- Riding a getaway car after robbing a bank. Getaway car drivers are 78% more likely to run a red light than a drunken teenager, AND there’s a 32% risk of being hit by flying bullets from pursuing cop cars.

Chocking

Watch out for these factors contributing to death:

-You own a boa constrictor and forgot to feed it.

-You’ve just been handed the mechanic’s bill for the repair of your car.

Drowning

Contributing factor:

-You dissed the local Mafioso and your feet are encased in concrete.

Conversely:

-If “drowning” is a metaphor for being in debt, you have an excellent chance of survival. Only 0.03% of the population die of metaphors.

Presence of medical personnel

-Contact with the medical profession has been documented prior to 48% of deaths. So, stay away from doctors, nurses, and ambulance drivers (especially ambulance drivers; see above "Dangerous Driving").

-Aggravating factor: presence of cleric administering last rites

Lying in a coffin

This condition has been shown to be 99% lethal, unless you are a vampire or zombie or the coffin is being used in a Halloween play.     

Being human

The rate of death in human beings is 99.9%.

Contributing factors: DNA

There is a small possibility of recall through Ouija board app (0.001%) or reincarnation (0.02%). Outright immortality may be achieved through poetry (0.03%) or deification (depending on era and continent, 0.01-0.03%). And that’s it, I’m afraid.

No wait, there is one other possibility, if you can manage not to die before 2045. By that time, you’ll be able to upload your mind to a hologram-avatar and live forever, according to Dmitry Itskov who is working on the technology. Itskov, who received the blessing of the Dalai Lama for his project, doesn’t say how much he will charge for his services. At this point he is pitching them to the world’s billionaires. So if you are not in that select group, you may have to fall back on reincarnation and take your chances on being reborn as a toad.