EFFICIENT SCHEDULES. From schooldays to celeb breakups.

You can get so much more done if you schedule things right. This was brought home to me when I read that the school day in Maryland starts at 7.17 am (Metro, 12 August). Wouldn’t students sleep through the first class, you ask? Very likely, but that matters only if you think education is a priority. In Maryland, school bus schedules are the priority, and afterschool sports, which have to be squeezed in before sundown. In between, they do a bit of educating.

So you see, it’s all about readjusting your priorities.

Eating, for example, can really cut into your schedule. Why do you think people eat and read, or eat and watch TV? Because there isn’t enough time to do them separately. So why not reschedule eating to a more convenient time, say, 4am. That’s guaranteed not to interfere with anything important. Unless you are an early sexer.

But sex, I say, confers important benefits and should therefore be moved into prime time. Check out Science World ads on cbc.ca: Ejaculation fights colds! Orgasm kills pain! Let me add: and increases the blood flow. That in turn will re-jig your brain and get you through a sluggish afternoon at the office. So sex at 2pm sounds about right. Forward thinking bosses will schedule nookie time – finally a good reason to have cubicles instead of airy corner offices.

Marital fights: My advice is to schedule them when one partner is sleeping. No annoying backtalk. No aggravating tears. No need for counseling. It will all be over in the blink of an eye.

Fighting with your teenager: Don’t complain when he stays out until 3am and sleeps in until 2pm. I think that’s inspired scheduling. It minimizes opportunities for personal contact and thus, fighting. I know: teachers’ unions will want to have the same deal, but hey, guys, you are getting paid for face time with teenagers!

Here are more scheduling improvements:

Firefighters: No more down-time. Let’s have scheduled blazes.

Celebrity events: When Kate gives birth to a princeling, we can’t have Lindsay Lohan go into rehab or Justin Bieber break up with Selena Gomez. That’s lousy scheduling. There’s only so much space in tabloids, so get your act together, guys!

Ditto with Thanksgiving. Scheduling family dinners can be problematic. It’s a good thing Canadians celebrate the holiday in October and Americans in November. But why not spread it out a bit more, and have it, like birthdays, year-round?

Jet lag: Reschedule Europe to coincide with North America?