WEIRD TIMES, NO?

Yesterday I did my daily slumming through the pages of Metro, which is better for my psychological health than any therapy session. I read what other people do, and thank my good fortune that I don’t.

Let me share with you some of the stuff in the paper (18 July):

• Some Michelin-rated restaurants serve up raspberry leather, an edible fruit puree. This is not out of range for the ordinary home cook.  It takes only 2 hours to prepare, which the author describes as amazingly quick and easy. You see my point about weird? The preparation involves: a blender, a non-stick silicone mat, a rimmed baking sheet, and a food dehydrator. Four of those five gadgets are unknown to me. But that’s probably because I’m normal.
• There is a new book out: Livin’ the American Dream, USA style by Karl Welzein. No wait, that’s not his real name. By Dad Boner. No, that’s not his real name either. It’s actually Mike Burns. So why does he call himself Dad Boner? Because getting two appetizers at Applebee’s gives him a boner. Weird, no? His American Dream includes arms on swoll. Huh? Not sure I want anything swoll on my arms. But then I’m normal.
• Meanwhile a Boston radio station is looking for Taylor Swift’s Number One fan. Apparently they’ve found him: 39-year old Charles Z, who dreams of sniffing Taylor’s hair, because he’s into that. That’s all the explanation we need, right?

But weirdness isn’t the exclusive domain of tabloids. The most recent New Yorker (pre-dated 23 July) contained an excellent selection as well:

• Groupon founder Andrew Mason, described as sporting an unnatural orange-gold glow, celebrated babies whose parents used his coupons for their first date. Groupon, he claims, incentivized procreation.  I hope for the sake of those babies that it doesn’t incentivize an orange-gold glow in their skin.
• Remember the sex scandals that derailed the careers of Anthony Weiner and Eliot Spitzer? I’m sure they’d like you to forget, but that’s against the advice of psychotherapist JoAnn Magdoff. It’s better to dig in and study the details, she says: The details put a kind of container around it. They know just how far it went.” Okay. If you say so, Dr. Magdoff.
• Meanwhile B-movie producer Roger Corman has embarked on a new career as painter. His wife explains Corman’s method: He does a lot of looking at his canvas and swearing. Yes, but what about putting brush to canvas? Well, Roger is a master of stopping short. As the article explains: The whole idea of B movies is to strip out the boring stuff – plot, character development, etc.

Hey, there’s an idea: I’ll start writing B-novels, which presumably involves nothing more than looking at my computer and swearing.But I’m not sure I can pull it off. I’m just not weird enough. I may have to fall back on plot, character development, etc.

That’s the price you pay for normalcy.