Riding the Trending Curve with Nigella Lawson

Sarah Hampson (Globe, July 9) sympathizes with celebrity chef Nigella Lawson, whose husband recently wrung her neck, but described the move as a playful tiff. This sort of thing is bad, Hampson says – for Nigella’s neck? For her marriage? No, for her brand.

OMG! I’ve missed out on another trend. Here I am, stuck with my dusty old personality, while other people have long converted theirs into a registered brand.  

OBVI, I need to update my personality to something that can pop up on your website, something recognizable that will make you say: There’s that F*** blogger again. Come to think of it -- would that be the right brand name for me: The F*** Blogger? Naw, too generic. F*** pops up in practically every teenage sentence.  

Mother F*** Blogger? I think I’ve missed the boat on that one. As a mother, I mean. I didn’t lean in enough.

I was stumped for a name until I read Nigella Lawson’s comment: I still go to the supermarket with no makeup on, like a bag lady. Thank you, Nigella. You’ve just branded me: the lady who goes to the supermarket with no makeup on. Look for my new masthead, people: THE BAGLADY Blogger. No, make that THE BGLDY Blogger.

That’s settled then. Whew. I’m back on top of the trending curve. But wait. Just reading a bulletin of the American Council on Exercise (ACE) which tells me that I must have a personal trainer. According to ACE, this involves finding a guy with whom you can connect, who has the right chemistry, whom you trust, who truly understands you. No wonder Nigella Lawson’s marriage ended in disaster. She probably looked for a husband when she should have been looking for a trainer!

To be honest with you, I’ve made the same mistake myself. So now I’m stuck with a dusty old husband instead of the must-have personal trainer. I immediately scoured the trending topics on the ACE web site, which contains such intriguing headings as The Little Black Dress Workout. No, it’s not what you wear during the workout. It’s what you are trying to fit in after the workout. The accompanying video looks strenuous. Maybe I’ll stick with the bag lady brand for now and skip the personal trainer, at the risk of falling off the trending curve and never landing a sponsorship deal with Lululemon.

But maybe anti-ads are the new trend. Or why would the Canadian embassy in Colombia offer this advice: We recommend looking for a trip that does not include a stop in Canada (Globe, 10 July).

OK: I recommend websites that do not include this blog.

Am I on top of the trending curve, or what?