TOO HOT?

Let me tell you, people: Toronto has the most even climate I know of. The weather is the same year-round: unbearable. Too cold, too much snow and ice in the winter. Too hot, too humid in the summer. Not to speak of the floods, which enliven the spring, but may stretch into the fall.

Right now we are sweltering in heat. How hot is it? Two-year olds can’t muster the energy to throw a temper tantrum. Bums, taking shelter in public libraries, are starting to read books. Bearded men are becoming a rare sight. AC repair men are becoming a rare sight. Elderly men and women in air-conditioned nursing homes have more visitors in a day than they had all last winter. You get the idea.

Sounds discouraging, doesn’t it? But the heat has advantages for some of us.

• Alcoholics: Doctors encourage us to drink plenty of fluids. There you go!
• Fund raisers: Now is the time to go on GoFundme or Indiegogo. No one will have the heart to deny your plea for money to air-condition your house.
• Housewives/husbands: The city is asking us to conserve energy. Don’t turn on any of your appliances. No vacuum cleaning. No cooking. No laundry. Go to the local mall, laze in its air-conditioned breeze, and spend the money you saved in electricity.
• Kids: It takes more energy to fight your outrageous demands than it takes to give in to them. Take full advantage of heat-lethargic parents.
• Authors: Writing drivel takes less energy than writing caustic criticism. No one will blame you for falling below your accustomed level of wit.

Right?