One
of the great freebies the US
offers to third world countries is democracy, but it seems neither Iraq nor Afghanistan
want it, those ingrates! So Barack Obama has decided to roll out an entirely
new gift for backward countries: gay rights. What’s the response? More
ingratitude, not to say snark. Senegalese President Macky Sall had the nerve to
offer the US
a gift of enlightenment in turn. He pointed out that his country has abolished
capital punishment, hinting that he’d be willing to share this practice with
the US
(newsday.com, 28 June).
So
maybe it’s better to stay away from ideological gifts and offer more practical
freebies, like Jason Sadler who wanted to send a million T shirts to Africa in 2010. But that turned out to be another dud.
Apparently Africans don’t want free T-shirts. They prefer to make their own and
be paid for the job.
Why
are these people so difficult? What DO they want? Volunteers maybe?
Luxury
cruise line Crystal Cruises thinks that’s where it’s at: voluntourism. The line
offers passengers the opportunity to spend a few hours as volunteers at a Dubrovnik old folk home.
I think that’s a dynamite idea – I mean what can go wrong if the good folk of Dubrovnik don’t speak
English and the volunteers don’t speak Croatian? There is no fear of cultural misunderstandings
as long as everyone keeps smiling. An even better solution would be to visit
only old folk who are in a coma. That way volunteers can go away with the warm
feeling that they haven’t intruded on or disturbed anyone.
But
no, some cynics think that volunteers are only doing their good deeds for
something in return. They point to the Pergau dam scandal, when England
promised aid to Malaysia
in return for an arms deal. Come on people, that was twenty years ago! Nobody
does that anymore. Granted the Canadian aids agency CIDA is now only a
splashpage on the site of the Department of Foreign Affairs and International
Trade (Globe. 28 June) – but that doesn’t mean that there is any connection
between aid and trade.
And
look at the selfless help celebrities are offering to Africa :
Jolie and Clooney in Sudan ,
Oprah in South Africa ,
50 Cent in Somalia .
Oh, wait. I see the rapper is pushing an energy drink on his Facebook page,
although you don’t absolutely have to buy it. Not at all, you can look at the
ad and “like” his meal plan for Somalia
completely free and without any obligation.
You
think those celebrities get something in return for their charity— like
attention? Please. Save your suspicions for Al Quaeda, who is bringing its
charity to the US ,
offering training camps to young people in South Carolina and Michigan absolutely free. They promise to
teach them such valuable skills as kidnapping, murder, and setting explosives. Check
out the Soldiers of Allah in the video on military.com.
You
don’t like this kind of summer camp? Okay, there are other manifestations of
charity -- countries that open their arms to refugees and offer them a home,
like Ecuador
which offered asylum to whistleblower Edward Snowden. No, wait. That was
yesterday. Today they are backpedalling. Could it have anything to do with the US waiving
preferential trade rights, you ask? Oh, you sad, sad cynics! I just hope Canada won’t be backpedalling on
its plan to offer refuges a welcome package: a free GPS in the form of a
handsome set of ankle bracelets in case they get lost in Canada before
their immigration hearing (Globe, 28 June).
No,
I for one continue to believe in human goodness. Every day I get the most
generous offers from people in Senegal
who want to deposit millions in my bank account, and from writers all over Europe and the US who offer to enlarge my penis,
although I suppose I’d have to grow one first.
To
all these charitable folks, I say: Thank you for your kind thoughts, but I’m
one of the lucky ones who can do without your help.
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