Thursday 4 April 2013


Do you have a big occasion coming up – an anniversary perhaps, or a significant birthday? Do something truly special. Take a trip off the beaten path. Here are a few suggestions how to celebrate and bring excitement into your life:

The Revenge Tour. Visit your frenemies for a week at a time. Condo-dwellers are particularly easy marks. Coordinate bodily functions with your partner and occupy both bathrooms for extended periods of time. Never help out in the kitchen, leave your dirty laundry on the living room floor, plunder your hosts’ bar, invite them out for dinner and forget your wallet. And always, always bring along an instrument. A flute or a violin will do nicely, but drums are better. Play them at 3am and start a feud with the neighbours. There are so many ways of making your frenemies miserable and your vacation a success.

The GPS tour. Lose yourself in the great outdoors. Remember Donna Cooper and friends who criss-crossed Death Valley (mis)guided by their GPS? It’s good training if you have ambitions to star in Survivor. Then there were the Japanese students who followed their GPS into the depth of Moreton Bay, and the three women who piloted their rented Mercedes into Mercer Slough. Way more exciting than driving down the highway.  Check it out on Bonus when driving around aimlessly: Spot criminals violating parole because of their faulty GPS ankle bracelets. You always wanted to play sheriff, right?

The off-season tour. Enjoy the excitement of hurricanes in the Caribbean. September offers an average of seven storm systems vicious enough to be given girlish names like Arlene or Emily. Don’t miss the window of opportunity because these favourable conditions deteriorate in October. For March break we recommend Fancy Gap Mountain with it unpredictable fog banks and car pileups. Some places are always off-season and blissfully free of tourists. Visit Syria or the coast of Somalia to get the most bang for your buck.

Cruises. Normally, I’d say: Meh. They are for people who like micro rooms, shuffle boards, flirting with waiters, and gaining 20 pounds. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Remember Captain Schettino who ran his ship aground off the coast of Tuscany? Clearly he’s the go-to guy for a different cruise vacation, but you’ll have to wait until he gets out of prison.  Alternatively, you could go for a Carnival cruise and the fun of overflowing toilets and pooping in red baggies. Or be entrepreneurial and organize your own re-enactment of the Titanic. And speaking of re-enactments. Why not go on a

Famous scenes from books and movies Tour? Lead the Life of Pi in a boat with a tiger (rifle not included). Re-enact dramatic scenes from Jaws. For guaranteed survival rent a suit of armour and, after extraction from the shark’s jaws, go on a bonus Tin Man tour of Oz. Play Jonah in the whale (rescue and regurgitation extra). You could also do Psycho, but I’d opt for the prequel, Bates Motel, and get out before the shower scene.

Bon voyage!

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