THE VALUE OF COMPANIONSHIP: Five Dollars and up.

Men are more likely to pay for companionship than women, especially if physical interaction is involved. What evidence do I have for that?  None.  But why should I be held to higher standards than Dr. Raza Naqvi who is on the research team of St. Mike’s? He thinks crossword puzzles may improve your memory. Now that’s NOT EVIDENCE-BASED, he says, but I think it is the best we can do at the time (Globe&Mail, 14 April). So, the best I can do at the time is give you guys some advice. You want companionship? Pay up.

How much should you pay? Apparently 5-10 Dollars will do it. And this is truly EVIDENCE-BASED, meaning, I found it on the web. There is, first of all,

Phone sex. Someone posting on answers.yahoo.com wants to charge $ 5 for twenty minutes. But you are probably too late to take advantage of that amazing bargain because several readers pointed out to her that $ 1.99/minute was the going rate. So five Dollars’ worth of phone sex will only work for you if you are suffering from premature ejaculation.

If you are more into LOOKING than talking, I suggest

A goldfish. A hotel in Dutton, England, offers a rental fish for 5 pounds a day. The management promises that the fish will deliver UNCONDITIONAL LOVE and wiggle its fins at you. Unfortunately it won’t talk dirty or otherwise (Daily Telegraph, 11 April).

Alternatively you could rent a

DVD of FINDING NEMO, which has fin-wiggling fish AND sound effects, but is, alas, non-interactive.  If you want personal attention, you could try

Celiac Supplies, a health food store in Brisbane. That’s if talking about health food turns you on. The owner charges five dollars for face time according to ecommercebytes.com, but will deduct it from your bill if you buy her products. If talking about food doesn’t provide you with sufficient stimulation, you can always go to the

Luminato Festival and actually EAT with authors (Toronto Star, 18 April). Luminato promises a LITERARY ROCK FESTIVAL SETTING. I expect screaming teenagers, acrobatic performances, exploding tech-magic – no, wait, it says here: “Bring your picnic basket and hamper.” I guess that’s the MATURE LIFESTYLE version of a rock festival.

I hear you say: What about good old-fashioned

DATING if I want companionship? Well, I don’t know. It’s getting too complicated to figure out if yes means yes, and it certainly can’t be done in the 5 Dollar range. Unless, of course, you check out the FIFTY CHEAP DATES suggestions on marieclaire.com.

# 16 on the list is a visit to your local bookstore where you SHOW EACH OTHER YOUR FAVOURITE BOOKS. That must be the EXTREME mature lifestyle version of a literary rock festival.

# 18 on the list is BUILDING SOMETHING TOGETHER. If they mean IKEA furniture that comes with a bag of thingies you’re supposed to screw into boards  – don’t do it! This activity causes grappling, and not in a good way. It may also lead to high pitched screaming and throwing of objects. So, after you’ve built something together, DO NOT proceed to

# 11, a friendly competition AT THE RIFLE RANGE.

Or at least, advance first to

# 35 and CONSULT A PSYCHIC to find out if a 911 call is in your future.

Or maybe forget about cheap dates and wait for my next post: EXPENSIVE DATES.