Going Retro. Forget the Kardashians and bring back the old lies.

Two days ago, the Globe & Mail ran an article under the heading: THE MODS ARE BACK. WHO WERE THE MODS? Right. Let’s call this new trend: BRING BACK WHAT YOU NEVER KNEW OR CARED ABOUT. The possibilities are infinite. Here are a few examples.

CELEBRITY SITES. I’m tired of the Kardashian sisters showing off cleavage and bling or reading of Jennifer’s newest pregnancy that isn’t. Let’s bring back regular boring people. How about pics of gnarly toes in Costco sandals? Or cutting-edge stories of life as a coupon-clipper? Or a poll of street people, rating Mouthwash vs. Niagara plonk? 

FACEBOOK PICS. Enough with the cute babies and puppy dogs. What about a close-up of you inhaling your old dog’s breath? Or if you are into babies, what about documenting 4 AM screaming? Get with the retro spirit and show us gramps putting in his dentures or holding up the line at the checkout, as he gropes for exact change.

CARS. Bring back the EDSEL and make your life more exciting. Never a dull moment when you are the owner of a famous lemon. Think of the excitement of not knowing when your power steering will fail. And EDSEL is such sexy name for a car. Rolls off your tongue, doesn’t it? Unlike the German throat-twister VOLKSWAGEN. Speaking of which: Bring back the old Beetle – so cozy! And when you go on holiday, no agonizing about what to bring along, what not to bring along. There is no space for anything. Meanwhile people from the former East Germany will want their TRABANT back. As they used to say: What a car! Fill it up with gas and double its value.

SHOPPING. Forget on-line shopping and the agony of entering all the digits of your postal code and credit card, only to see the page disappear because you hit CTRL by mistake. Bring back the Encyclopedia salesman and the Fuller Brush rep with their entertaining foot-in-the-door antics and astonishing motor mouths. Shut-ins will prefer them to MEALS ON WHEELS. Able-bodied folks will find them handy for afternoon trysts. These guys were so much more flexible than today’s laptop.

TELEVISION. Let’s go back to the good old times of black and white, tiny screen televisions with knobs and only three channels to choose from. Your timetable will suddenly open up. You will want to do your laundry, you will be eager to write that essay, you will jog around the block, just to escape the boring programs. Oh wait, we don’t have to go back to the fifties for boring programs.

MARRIAGE. But we might want to bring back the 50s husband. No more agonizing choices between family and career, ladies. Pampering your man is a full-time job. What were 50s husbands like? According to Jessica Mann and the Daily Mail (15 August), “no man in those days would ever shop, cook, wash up, make beds, lay the table or clear away plates.” That's not retro, you say? You've got one of those husbands at home right now?In that case, forget retro and go for the Science Fiction Trend. But that’s a topic for another day.

Any job’s a good job, Baby?



Child Star Honey Boo Boo



You know the 70s Bachmann Turner Overdrive’s lyrics ANY LOVE IS GOOD LOVE? In this economy, you’d think that applies to jobs as well. But maybe not. Consider these choice occupations:

SWEAT MOPPERS. No, I’m not making this up. Somebody’s got to wipe up the sweat of Olympic athletes. There are custodians keeping the courts dry in the wake of perspiring volleyball, basketball, and handball players (Wall Street Journal, 8 August). Mind you, the job comes with benefits, as Josh Kirk tells us: “The cheerleaders shake their pompoms above our heads and make us feel like royalty.” Okay. I guess there are worse things to clean up than sweat. Puke in a movie theatre, for example, after a showing of KILLER JOE. According to reviewer Adam Nayman, it was like Wayne’s World: “You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll hurl.

DOORMAT for Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, or anything else he steps on, leans on, or embraces. He weighs in at 300 pounds, you know. Newsflash (Toronto Star, 2 August): Mayor opens new Underpass Park, unexpectedly climbs jungle gym. Equipment survives! Whew. Mind you, onlookers reported an earthquake of 3.2 magnitude.

CHILD STAR. Here’s how Honey Boo Boo’s mother explained images of her daughter swigging Red Bull: “Performing and getting a kid up early and lasting all day without a rest, you have to energize that body. There are far worse things. I could be giving her alcohol.” Or inject her with heroin. Or lock her in the basement. Or chain her to the bed. Yes, as readers of THIRTY SHADES OF GREY, we know all about tough love. Honey Boo Boo herself is philosophical: “A dollar makes me holla.” (Globe & Mail, 9 August).

STUDENT AT THE UNIVERSITY OF ESSEN.  Marcel Pohl took his degree at Essen in 20 months instead of the usual 5 ½ years. I’d like to report that he partied for 24 hours or jumped into a pool filled with champagne or led a conga line around the block. But probably not. Huff Post tells us that university administrators felt cheated and asked Pohl to ante up some 4000 Dollars to compensate them for fees lost.

GUARD in Guantanamo Bay. According to TMZ, in a new form of torture, prisoners were subjected to Sesame Street tunes for days on end. And the guards didn’t suffer? Oh, they gave the prisoners headphones.

GOOD SAMARITAN. According to a Swedish newspaper(http://www.thelocal.se/42474/20120807/ ), a man lined up for an hour at a local police station to turn in a bike he had found. When the owner was located, the Good Samaritan received a finder’s fee of $ 6. I wonder what the minimum wage is in Sweden? But at least the man got something for his time and effort. According to the Winnipeg Press (22 June 2011) a hospital worker was fired for giving an injured man water. Oh wait: the liquid in the little bottle she put to his mouth was coloured. Mouthwash, she said. The victim didn’t complain. Speechless? Joy-gushed?

Multitasking. You can’t get around it.

There was a time when a phone was just a phone, and all you could do on it was talk. Not any more. You are expected to multitask, right? So why shouldn’t your gadgets work harder as well? Here is a list of things that will do double duty for you.

Bed & Maid: Tired of straightening out sheets and plumping up pillows? Throw out your old mattress thing and buy an OHEA bed which makes itself in 50 seconds, leaving you free to do more exciting things, like working overtime to pay for your high-tech gadgets.

Tennis racquet & Trainer: Provided you have any leisure time left, check out the Babolat Play & Connect racquet on http://gizmo.com/ and improve your backhand via your smart-phone. P&C will give you the statistics on your power, speed, and temperature. Temperature? Oh wait, that’s the next big thing:

Flaming tennis balls & Whatever: I can’t begin to tell you all the tasks that little gizmo can accomplish in one lob. Here are a few:

-illuminating the tennis court. Remember you have to work long hours to afford those gadgets, so the only time you can play tennis is at night.

-unlock your car, according to http://www.autoblog.com/. Wait, you say, I already have a gadget unlocking my car. It’s called a key, if I remember correctly. Okay, let’s reword that: unlock someone else’s car, a nice Audi, say, or a Beamer.

-killing or maiming your tennis partner – that’s only if you are in a losing situation, of course. But there may be better ways of doing it. See next item.

Killer & Eco-warrior: The Swedish arms manufacturer NAMMO is way ahead of the eco curve. Their ammo doesn’t contain lead. Oh sure, their bullets will still kill you or your tennis partner, but in an ecologically superior way.

News & Advertising: Remember when you could tell the difference between news and commercials – one was boring, the other was entertaining. Well, now there is brand journalism, which will infotain you all the time. Check it out on http://www.totem.com/. These folks give you news you can use. They tell you which product is best. They mean best for them, as in best-paying. You didn’t know that? Well, let me tell you about Santa Claus. Or, since we are on the subject of saints and religion, let me tell you about

Games & Religion: The popular simulation game CIVILIZATION 5 now offers you a religion mechanic to enhance your empire. You can purchase prophets, missionaries, and inquisitors and send them out to extend your control and trounce the competition. You could kill competing religious units outright by going to war, but as Kurtis Seid explains on http://www.gamespot.com/, “this might not always be worth it.” You know that, you say. You are aware of what happened in Afghanistan. And the whole business of prophets and inquisitors isn’t new at all. You’ve read about the Spanish Inquisition, the Iranian mullahs, etc. etc. Okay, then I don’t have to explain Santa Claus to you after all.  

ADS AND THE CITY. Sex, Money, and Fortune Tellers.

Ever had one of those slow days when you actually got a seat on the subway and had time to read the whole of METRO, including the ads on the last two pages? I did, and let me tell you, those ads provide amazing insights. They tell you what this city is all about. Here is an overview.

MONEY (25%)

A quarter of the ads in METRO want to get you into debt or out of it. Who are the guys behind those ads? Judging by the pictures, they are sweet young things with hair like Kate Middleton and a smile that speaks of expensive dental work. Okay, there is one middle-aged uncle-type, but he, too, has a 50,000 dollar smile. They are miracle workers, one and all, and very, very generous. They’ll charge you zero interest and ask no questions, least of all about your credit rating. But wait, let me get my magnifying glass. There is a teeny-weeny line at the bottom, invisible to the naked eye. Oh: “Some conditions may apply.”

The Tweet Olympics

More than ever, athletes have their fingers on their electronic devices. 300,000 tweets were sent during the Bejing Olympics. More than 400 million have been sent so far in London. So what is more obvious than including social networking in the roster of Olympic sports? Here are some Tweet categories and medal contenders.

SHORTEST TWEET

Gold: ZERO WORDS. Guy Adams, whose Twitter account was suspended after he gave out the email address of Gary Zenkel, chair of NBC Olympics.

Silver. ONE WORD. No contender as yet. I was looking for “DUH”, couldn’t find it. Lots of synonyms, though.

Bronze: FOUR WORDS. Thomas Towel for his “Really? This is it?” comment on China’s opening ceremony.

MOST REASSURING

Gold: “He puts his swimming trunks on one leg at a time.” (Lochte about Phelps being human)

Silver: “Olympics is when America learns about world geography.” (Rob Lanthan)

Bronze: “It was not created to be a tourist attraction.” (Sebastian Coe about the Olympic cauldron)