THE END IS NEAR. Unmistakable Signs of the Apocalypse.
 

Tomorrow the Mayan calendar rolls over, but it’s not the end of the world. I know the icecap is melting and atrocities are being committed every day, but the devil is in the details. And so is the Apocalypse. Watch for these 10 tiny indicators. THE END IS NEAR when

• Spinach Houses outnumber Steak Houses in New York.
• Socks emerge from your dryer in matched pairs.
• A watched kettle boils.
• Toronto’s Mayor goes on hunger strike. His weight dips below 300 pounds.
• Monkeys wear shearling coats. (Oh, wait, that one has already happened)
• The tabloids lose interest in Kate and William.
• Bryan of The New Normal comes out of the closet: he is heterosexual.
• Twitter becomes the medium of choice for intellectuals.
• The number of my blog followers soars.
• The USA outlaws guns.

In any case, don’t worry. In this virtual age, the Apocalypse takes place on-line. So as long as you don’t turn on your computer tomorrow, you are safe!

BEAUTY PAYS. EIGHT WAYS TO MAKE IT HAPPEN.

A couple of years ago, economist Daniel Hamermesh published a study, BEAUTY PAYS. We need a prof from Texas to tell us the obvious?  Beauty is a winning ticket. That’s why Dwight “Triple Chin” Duncan bowed out of the Liberal leadership race, and Justin Trudeau is still smiling full-gleam. That’s why the Democrats picked Mitt Romney as their candidate rather than Newtface Gingrich, although Mitt didn’t come through for them in the end. Maybe his tan wasn’t deep enough.

If beauty is so important, how do you explain the election of 300 pounder Rob Ford or beer-bellied Angela Merkel? Apparently it’s the face that counts, the part you can’t hide, at least not where I live, the part no act of willpower, diet or exercise will change. So how can we level the playing field?
 

• Bring on social services. We have welfare to take care of the disadvantaged, don’t we? Let’s have free plastic surgery for the facially challenged. Put HAWK NOSE into the medical dictionary. THIN LIPS are a genetic disease! Why should you have to pay for pumping them up?
• Believe you are beautiful. Exploit what blogger Aaron S calls the AMERICAN IDOL LOOPHOLE. Seriously untalented people win because they think they can sing. So why not convince yourself you are beautiful?
• Spread the rumour that hot chicks are stupid. On second thought, don’t bother. It won’t work. Men are so shallow!
• Remember that age does not improve looks. So become famous early in life and, like The Who, trust in early onset Alzheimer among your groupies. They won’t notice that they aren’t living in the sixties anymore.
• Let the Mayan calendar take care of things. The world ends in less than 20 days, so what do you care about beauty? -- Can’t get yourself to believe in doomsday? Then:
• Find work at a call-in centre where all faces are equal. Oh, I forgot. They’ve moved those to New Delhi.
• Work online and use a fake photo. I tried it. I posted a blog with the cover of PLAYING NAOMI: 22 hits. With a youthful photo of Greta Garbo: 633 hits.   What about the unlikely case of CNN asking me to put in a personal appearance? No problem.
• Bring on the burka. And wait for my study: BURKA PAYS.