UNDER THE CALIFORNIAN SUN. Too much fitness?
 

 Headline in the LA Times, 9 January: SANTA MONICA WEIGHS LIMITS ON FITNESS CLASSES IN PALISADES PARK.

Fifteen years ago, when I first saw the park on the bluffs overlooking the beach, it was picture postcard perfect, or would have been if I could have clicked and dragged the homeless out of the frame. The lawns were a mess of blankets, knapsacks, shopping carts, and prone bodies sleeping off whatever. Although I’ll say this: Santa Monica had some of the best-looking bums around. They all looked like extras on a gritty movie set. Not sure how the city got rid of them, probably by moving the soup kitchen inland. But now the neighbours are complaining again. The lawns are once more cluttered with mats, weights, ropes, sweat bands, resistance cords, and prone bodies stretching. Palisades Park has turned into an outdoor gym. And just like ten years ago: good-looking bums all around. Also pecs, quads, etc. But the neighbours feel it’s too much of a good thing. The City threatens to pass legislation and make people pay for flattening the grass.

 Legislation has already worked wonders for the beach. Miles and miles of pristine sand. No dogs allowed. No smokers allowed. I guess that explains the hovering helicopters. I thought they were after illegal Mexicans, but I see now they are patrolling for illegal smokers. I keep my cell pointed in case I witness police brutality, cops taking down a smoker and searching him for illegal cigs, or if it’s Paris Hilton (remember Paris Hilton?), searching her purse for an illegal dog.

But those laws are only a beginning. To make the Santa Monica beach truly beautiful, I suggest additional regulations:

• Persons over 25 must carry evidence that they passed a screen test within the last year. Persons over 50 must wear burkas or stay off-sand.
• Weight regulations will be enforced. Check the official height/weight chart for your sex and age. Ungainly people will be fined. Obese bodies will be towed.

At some point, the city must have passed legislation to ensure that the sand is kept smooth at all times. No shells or stones measuring more than one inch in diameter permitted. It’s not posted, but nature is in compliance.

They really should follow up on that and require the Santa Monica Mountains to be clearly visible at all times. No fog/smog, please, and no mist. And sunsets must be vibrant. Hazy auras will be dispersed. Then we’ll finally have a beach living up to Hollywood standards.

I mean, who wants to live a natural life when a legislated existence can be so beautiful?