Saturday 12 January 2013

HOW TO KEEP YOUR NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS. Good advice from Kanye West and Kim Kardashian.

                                    JAN 12 

Twelve days into 2013, and I’ve broken all my resolutions. What can I say? I set myself up for failure. I made impossible commitments. Losing weight? Not losing my temper? Puh-leez! That’s so totally unrealistic. Like Assad embracing democracy or Lindsay Lohan joining AAA. We all know that’s not going to happen in 2013. But next year will be different, for me at least. I’ll do like Kanye West. His New Year’s resolution, according to life, is to be AS NICE AS POSSIBLE to the press. Notice the little qualifier AS POSSIBLE? Way to go, Kanye. You are a genius with words. If I had thought of that phrase, there would have been no need now for a MEA CULPA blog post. I’ve broken my diet resolution twice already, but so what? I’ve pigged out AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE. Ditto with blowing up into my husband’s face: I screamed AS QUIETLY AS POSSIBLE.

Come to think of it, there are other ways of guaranteeing the success of my New Year’s resolutions in the future:

  •  Add A BEST BEFORE DATE. I’ll make it 12 January. After that I’m off the hook. My resolutions have gone stale and must be thrown out. TADA: I’m free to pig out and explode into people’s faces. Or,
  • I could build in an ESCAPE CLAUSE and make my resolutions subject to a cooling-off period before fully committing to them. 26 December would be a suitable date to lock in. Surely I can hang in the remaining five days, when post-Christmas torpor sets in and I am feeling bloated anyway from office parties and compulsory family reunions.  And here’s another idea.
  • Clever people sign pre-nups, don’t they? Why not draft a PRE-RESO AGREEMENT? That would involve two steps. First you choose realistic goals, such as: I will exercise my eyeballs for 30 seconds every day. Then you put in a penalty clause, for example: a penny for every second of eyeball exercise missed. At the end of the year, you add up your sins, drop $ 2.50 or whatever into the Salvation Army kettle, and success! You’ve followed your PRE-RESO agreement to the letter.
  • Then there is the Kim Kardashian method, which is in a class of its own. Her resolution according to life To CONTINUE WITH LAST YEAR’S resolution because she BROKE IT A LITTLE BIT. You must admit that’s a totally amazing idea: THE PERENNIAL NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION.
Congratulations, Kim. You’ve invented the Mayan Calendar of New Year’s Resolutions. Make one good list, carve it in stone, and recycle. You’ll never have to say sorry again.

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