URBAN FUTURISM. Fashions for the Soup Kitchen

I just finished reading the Style section in Saturday’s Globe & Mail (22 Sept) and can’t wait to leave it at a bus stop shelter. It’s the perfect read for the man about town, whether he sleeps under the bridge or on a hot-air grate.

The main thing this fall is not to appear “nouveau riche,” Amy Verner cautions us. No problem, as long as our man follows a few easy rules gleaned from the runways of New York. SATURATED COLOURS are a must, according to designer Tom Mora, so make sure to add a dash of urine yellow to the front of your pants.  I also suggest dabbing your pant cuffs with the earthy tones of wet clay to satisfy Alexander Wang’s demand for STIFF AND HARD-EDGED fabrics that will allow you TO EXPLORE URBAN FUTURISM. Also: CAMOUFLAGE is back. So make sure grass stains, grease and mud spots are well distributed across the front and back of your jacket for optimum BLENDING INTO THE URBAN JUNGLE. Do not worry about any rips or tears in your clothing. It’s dead chic to HOLD TOGETHER PANELS WITH FISHING-LINE EMBROIDERY. You may not agree with me, but I think Max Azria goes too far along the FETISHISTIC route, employing HARNESSES TO BIND DELICATE fabric. I mean harnesses are hard to find unless you have an in with the S&M crowd. Maybe that’s the point because apparently the absolutely hottest look is SLICED AND DICED. Alternatively, you can go for PYJAMA DRESSING. So if you happen to be in an institution, make sure you take those striped pants along when you get out. Sarah Hampson notes that hats are in as well: TALL, FANCIFUL AND COMMODIOUS ENOUGH TO HIDE A DOG UNDERNEATH. You may not have a dog, but surely you have a baggie or two to hide. Ela collection of accessories will add that extra touch. They are introducing the pouch, reflecting the PARED-DOWN LIFESTYLE. All you have goes into that pouch. IT’S ALL ABOUT DOWNSIZING, they tell us.  But maybe Shanker Bhardwaj is more down your alley. He advises avoiding designer gear. He’d rather have a creative shopping experience. It’s the NEWEST COMPETITIVE SPORT FOR GUYS (says Tyler Thoreson).  So forget about panhandling or dodging the cops. Head for the nearest Goodwill Store and FEEL THE THRILL OF THE CHASE. Duck into the aisles, track down a shirt or two and move in for the kill. But as everyone knows, the TRUE EVALUATION OCCURS ONCE A MAN TRIES ON THAT COVETED PIECE in the comfort of a Goodwill dressing room. Once you’ve made sure of your trophy shirt, it's time to CHOOSE A FALL HAIRSTYLE THAT’S RIGHT FOR YOU (says Tony Masciangelo). We want something chunky and shiny, so never lick the grease off your fingers after eating fish and chips. APPLY A LEAVE-IN OIL TREATMENT  by running your fingers through your hair.  Now you are ready to line up at your Soup Kitchen, that FRENZIED FOODIE UNDERGROUND, and dine in style. No doubt you’ve heard about super-star chef David Chang’s new restaurant, Daisho, where one of his signature dishes is CRACK PIE, as Michael Posner helpfully informs us. Urge your social worker to get in touch with Chang immediately and ask him to volunteer his services at a shelter near you. Yess: URBAN FUTURISM!