ARE YOU READY FOR BABY? Take this quiz and rate your maternity spirit.

What are your thoughts on:

BREASTFEEDING

a) I am going to breastfeed my child until he/she is eight years old or embraces the vegan lifestyle and eschews dairy products – whichever comes first.

b) I am going to breastfeed my kid until I fall off the wagon and get royally pissed. I wouldn’t want to give him a second-hand buzz.

c) I run a restaurant. No way can I fit breastfeeding into my schedule.

SWADDLING

a) I would not swaddle him/her. However, I’m aware that medical opinion about this practice keeps changing, so I’ve signed up for automatic weekly updates on my iPhone.

b) Swaddle? Will that make my child waddle? :) Just joking.

c) I will definitely swaddle my child – anything that will keep the little brat down and out of my way.

BABY CARRIAGE

a) My husband and I have been talking about taking out a second mortgage and get a top of the line German engineered pram covered with Gucci designed fabric and equipped with power steering.

b) Whatever is on sale at Sears.

c) There’s one sitting in my aunt’s garage. She says she’ll be glad if I take that piece of junk off her hands. So it’s a win-win situation.

POTTY TRAINING

a) No way. I don’t want to traumatize my child. Let him/her discover the happiness of clean pants for him/herself. I’m sure by age ten he/she will have it sorted out.

b) I’ll train him when the shit gets too much to handle (not to mention, the price of diapers).

c) I’ll rub his nose in the doo-doo. It worked for my puppy.

JUNIOR KINDERGARTEN

a) We signed up our child at a prestigious private school when I was five days pregnant, but I fear it was too late. I wonder how big a donation would guarantee us a place? Do we need a third mortgage? Or would it be sufficient if I crawled on my knees to the headmistress’ office and licked her hand?

b) There’s an okay primary school two blocks away. At least I think it’s okay. They have two armed guards. So what can go wrong?

c) Not sure I’ll live to see the day. Just had my sister drop in with her two pre-schoolers. Barely survived the experience. Having second thoughts about getting pregnant.

Evaluation:

You checked (c) more than 3 times. You monster! If we knew who you are, we’d picket your restaurant and have your puppy removed by PETA. We recommend you read http://thehonesttoddler.com/.

You checked (b) more than 3 times. You mean you shop at Sears? And another thing: we hate people using emoticons, especially smiley faces.

You checked (a) more than 3 times. We’d like to be your purveyors. We sell organic baby food in fine crystal jars, Louboutin baby boots, silk wipes, sterling silver spoons, shorn ermine baby blankets, all with conspicuous designer labels that will make your friends die with envy.