THIS JUST IN: WORRY! News of shrinking ice caps, teachers’ bargaining rights, and the Quebec election.

Every September, I swear, the media are trying to make you paranoid and drum up business for shrinks and therapists. Or else, how do you explain the soul-rattling headlines? Will they let you enjoy the last days of summer? No, they maliciously remind you of

!GLOBAL WARNING AND SHRINKING ICE CAPS!

Will they allow parents to drop off their kids at school and go home to indulge in the guilty pleasure of a second cup of coffee? No, they remind them of

!UPCOMING FUNDRAISERS! 

And I don’t mean bake sales. They are so last generation. Now parents must rack their brains for something more exotic, like hiring clowns and hypnotists or putting their own services on the auction block in the name of raising money. Check it out in the Globe& Mail (Sept 4): AUCTIONING OFF CHAUFFEUR-DRIVEN PICNICS, HOSTING PULLED PORK THROWDOWNS, AND BAGGING GARDEN-READY COMPOST.

Let’s just hope your kid doesn’t have a birthday in September because then you can definitely start worrying about how to keep up with the neighbours. We are talking about

!EXTREME BIRTHDAYS!

That was the headline of a piece by Bethany Swain on cnn.com. Get ready to slip into a tuxedo, rent a hall for a princess-themed party with live music, and pick the kids up in limos.

Of course, it’s not just the parents who should be worried. Let’s not forget the teachers. Here in Canada, the government of Ontario has done its part, passing a bill to curb their right to strike. That made it so much easier for the media to scream:

!BARGAINING RIGHTS VIOLATED!

Check it out on the CBC’s Labour Day coverage.

And speaking of politics. As all of you know, Quebec enjoys special status in this country, and so they offered us a

!SEPTEMBER ELECTION SPECIAL!

voting in Sovereigntist premier Pauline Marois and raising the spectre of yet another referendum on independence. Yesterday’s headline in the Vancouver Sun:

QUEBEC ELECTION MAY AFFECT CANADIAN DOLLAR. Not in any good way, you bet.

Continuing with politics. As any ex-pat will tell you: you need a magnifying glass to find Canadian news in American media. Then why do Canadian media bombard us with daily

!AMERICAN ELECTION NEWS!

To disturb our peace and scare us of course. Don’t you remember what Pierre Trudeau said: Living next to the USA is like sleeping with an elephant in the bedroom.

So don’t you dare being happy. Worry!