Secrets of the Tabloid World. From Sarah Palin to Brad and Angie.

Inching forward in the queue at the checkout counter I’ve often stared at tabloid covers and asked myself: who are those alien-looking people in the blurry insets? I finally caved and bought a copy of the National Enquirer, and, yup, it’s as I suspected. The tabloid scene unspools in a world of its own. Let me guide you through the main features:

TIME passes for all of us, but in the tabs it comes with THEN and NOW photos. We, the ordinary people, generally age, while the tab people become younger. This isn’t because they live in a time warp, as I thought at first, but because they have cosmetic surgery. Now this stuff goes on in the real world as well, but in the tabs, cosmetic surgery, although always DRASTIC, remains a SECRET until REVEALED in a tabloid. By then it has turned into a a woman's WORST NIGHTMARE, like Chris Jenner’s surgery, which will DESTROY HER LOOKS.

WEIGHT is a problem for many of us, but in the tabs weight gain or loss is much like cosmetic surgery: DRASTIC and never without THEN and NOW photos. And it’s always indicative of SECRET developments. Monica Lewinsky, for example, is going through a cancer drama, at least in the eyes of the check-out counter readers. Insiders who shell out money for the tabloid, discover that she doesn’t have cancer after all (whew!) although medical experts tell us that obesity puts her at risk and makes her a WALKING TIME BOMB. Now you’d think that people who lose weight will avoid those health risks, but that’s because you don’t understand the secret world of tabloids. In that environment, weight loss doesn’t make you slim and fit. It makes you SCARY-SKINNY and a SHADOW OF YOUR FORMER SELF, like Sarah Palin who is WASTING AWAY. Her cheeks are sunken and her hips have disappeared. I’m not surprised she’s sparked a HEALTH ALARM. Matt Lauer and Matthew McConaughey haven't sparked alarms yet, although one looks FRAIL and GAUNT and the other has WASHED AWAY to skin and bones.

BODY LANGUAGE. Watch out, celebs! In the tabloid world, reporters have x-ray vision and can read your every move. So here are some things you mustn't do under any circumstances:

Touch your tummy. That means you are PREGNANT. Celebs who carelessly put their hands on their tummies run the risk of up to ten pregnancies a year in the tab world.

Lean forward. No one ever “leans forward” in tabs. They SLUMP and COLLAPSE, are STRICKEN with sadness and depression, or else are BOOZE-PLAGUED and end up in rehab.

Pull a carry-on. That means you are moving out on your lover. Your relationship is DOOMED and IN TATTERS, like Brad’s, who is doing all sorts of things behind Angie’s back (BOOZE AND DRUG BOMBSHELL!) and will cause her to lean forward and collapse in tears. It also means the tab is obliged to offer photos of the pair in happier times (THEN and NOW!), before they had a BLOWUP and went BERSERK.

More insights into the SECRETS of the tabloid world in my next post!