How to Keep Healthy

Medical pronouncements used to be good for a century or so. Now their lifetime is a couple of months, but I’m getting used to the shuffle. Yes, daily Aspirin! No, daily Aspirins are risky! Screen for cancer early and often! Oops, false positives. Take vitamin supplements! Um, not sure they are any good.

Remember way back when, in the summer of 2012, they told us not to worry unduly about hygiene, and that exposure to germs would make us resilient? When they told us that allergies and asthma have increased because we are trying too hard to keep clean? Now for the shuffle. Headline in the Globe & Mail, Oct 4: “You can’t be too clean!”

So put on your facemasks, everybody, get on your knees and scrub that floor with Lysol. And get rid of your body hair. That’s where the ugly stuff hides. Shave your head, go Brazilian on the rest of your body. Now let’s have a closer look at your life style.

Food:  The safe thing is not to eat, but if you can’t get yourself to go intravenous, I suggest eating only what you have grown yourself, which in Canada may limit you to eating about four months a year. Alternatively you could convert your spare bedroom into a greenhouse. Cannabis grows really well indoors, I’m told, but if you can’t live on smoke alone, mushrooms on a log in the basement could be a healthy fallback.

Drink: Many municipalities will try to persuade you that tap water is perfectly safe, but that’s just because they are hostile toward entrepreneurs and begrudge them the $ 2/bottle they charge you. Support your local ripoff-artist and drink only bottled water.

Clothing:  Wear only what you’ve produced yourself, so you know what goes into the fabric. Sheep are easy to care for in your backyard. Knit your own wool sweaters and try to live with the itch. Conversely grow cotton in your spare bedroom/greenhouse and spin wraparounds. Don’t want to be seen running around in a toga? Don’t worry. You shouldn’t go outside anyway. That’s where people breathe and sneeze on you, not to speak of those dangerous cheek-kissers, fist-bumpers, and hand-shakers. You know how many germs are exchanged per kiss? 56, 325! And don’t even ask about French kissing.

Pets: Do what the airlines did some years ago when Mad Cow Disease was rampant in the UK. They made you slosh through a pan of don’t ask me what, just in case those nasty germs were clinging to the soles of your shoes. That should work for your pet’s paws, too.  Just make sure to keep the disinfectant at a level that won’t drown your gerbil. But ideally, regift your pets to the Humane Society.  

The air you breathe: that’s the real problem, isn’t it?  It’s packed with germs and viruses, and I mean, how long can you hold your breath? Convert your bedroom into an oxygen bubble.  Get rid of all your human housemates. Regift them to their families. You don’t need them. You have Facebook friends, don’t you? That will have to do. Ditto for your job. Get one that allows you to submit your work electronically.  Why do you think I’m blogging? Haven’t had a cold in two years. Haven’t had love in – oh, well, there’s a drawback to everything.