Friday 29 June 2012

On behalf of Senator Patrick Brazeau and Lonesome George: Mind your own business!

Someone has to speak up for those who want to be left alone. So, going from the ridiculous to the sublime, I start with

TOILET USERS: The toilet was once called a privy, as in “private”. Now we have iPoo, an invention that allows us to connect with other toilet users of a gregarious mind (Metro, June 13). Apparently it’s sold through iTunes -- can a pop chart of toilet noises be far behind?

PATRICK BRAZEAU: The senator missed 65% of meetings of the aboriginal peoples committee, as pointed out by journalist Jennifer Ditchburn. Oh wait, he doesn’t need me to speak up for him. He has a twitter account and a nice turn of phrase. He suggested replacing the D in Ditchburn with a B because she showed no regard “for personal lives and situations”. You go, Senator! You don’t owe an explanation to the public just because they pay your salary!

TORTOISES: Lonesome George, a rare tortoise refusing to procreate, has died, perhaps from embarrassment after a Swiss zoology student smeared herself with female tortoise hormone and manually stimulated him over 4 months.

CRIMINALS EVERYWHERE: Beware of ShotSpotter, the new technology for gunfire detection, which zooms in on the location detected via satellite and alerts the local police. Surely this raises questions of privacy. Here you are going quietly about your personal vendetta, and the police butts in. I suggest a letter to the editor of the NY Times, which spread the news of this unfortunate device in its June 24 issue.  Or write to Senator Brazeau. He knows what it means to have one's personal life and situations invaded! 

READERS OF GRETCHEN RUBIN'S HAPPINESS PROJECT: As reported by Sarah Hampson in the Globe & Mail (June 18), Rubin can get a little “belligerent” when pushing her happiness concept. She needs to remind herself: “Just because something makes me happy doesn’t mean it makes other people happy.”  So stop giving advice already, Gretchen. As far as I’m concerned, keep your happiness to yourself. I want to stay crotchety, or how am I going to write my blog?

WIVES OF STRESSED HUSBANDS: A. J. Jacobs, author of Drop Dead Healthy, has found a great way of reducing stress: skin contact, or more specifically, holding on to his wife. I want to know more about this technique: Can I do it in public? Is holding hands enough or do I need large-surface skin contact? Does it work between strangers? I’m asking because Mr. Jacobs reports that his wife gets annoyed when he does it too often or too long. Is there someone I could hire for purposes of de-stressing by skin contact? Oh! Check the ads for “escort service” you say?

CHILDREN OF HELICOPTER PARENTS: According to the IEEE blog, Yagamata University is developing a robot, MH-2, that perches on your shoulder and acts like an avatar of your friend. Be afraid, be very afraid if your parents discover MH-2, which “makes sure you’ll never be alone again.”

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