Looking for VIP treatment? Here is what you need to know.  

Let me begin with a warning. Standards have sadly declined since the term was first used in the 1930s. I came to that conclusion when I received VIP tickets to a museum exhibit.  Me, an important person? Are you serious? I was, like, totally confused. So I researched the concept, and here is what I found out:

VIP treatment at your local movie theatre means reserved seats plus delivery of beverage to your seat without spilling sticky froth over your shoes. This is a LUXURIOUS EXPERIENCE. I’m quoting Cineplex.com.

But perhaps you prefer the MEMORABLE EXPERIENCE offered by Epcot.  As a special VIP service to Chase Card holders only, they offer electronic charging stations. Charging stations? Would that be what non-VIP schlubs call electric outlets?

And then there is the UNFORGETTABLE DONOR EXPERIENCE. Nonprofitimes.com has six suggestions to make donors feel like VIPS. Four of them are: Thank them. Thank them in writing. Thank them personally. And: Give them a pat on the back. Is that what non-VIP persons call sending junk mail? That would definitely make me feel great.

I don’t need a pack of tarot cards to see the future of VIP treatment. Here is my utopian vision:

MCDONALD’S: reserved supersized garbage bins.

PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION:  reserved standing room near reachable overhead straps.

PUBLIC HOUSING: reserved warm air grills on quiet street corners.

USED CAR DEALERS: reserved phone line to tow truck companies.

COLLECTION AGENCIES: reserved line to distress help centre.

Still dreaming of limos, red carpets, photo ops, and goodie bags? Yes, it’s out there, a click or a phone call away, but it’s called kid’s birthday party now. Check out Extreme Birthdays on cnn.com or ripleysnewyork.com and introduce your pre-schooler to the AMAZING EXPERIENCE of kiddie VIP treatment.

So maybe we need a new definition for adult VIP treatment? I googled the initials and came up with VIP = Virtual Implant Placement. That sounds about right: unreal, painful to contemplate, and screwing up your head.