THE ENVELOPE, PLEASE: An Oscar for best ground game.

In America, every child may dream of becoming president. That’s regardless of race, sex, and social standing. Yesss, folks, but not without big money and a good GROUND GAME, as Glenn Whipp explains (LA Times, 25 Feb). He wasn’t talking about Obama, mind you. He was talking about LINCOLN, and why it didn’t make Best Picture.A GOOD GROUND GAME?? You mean QUALITY isn’t the only factor that sways Academy Awards judges? Hey, sorry to destroy your innocence and break your heart, but here’s what the judges are looking for:

HOLLYWOOD. It helps if a picture is about The Industry. Those movie people playing movie people in ARGO -- can it get any better? And it’s gotta be

FEEL GOOD STUFF. Like the great American narrative, LINCOLN? No, no. That was like a high school lesson: bo-ring. How about ZERO DARK THIRTY then? Pu-leeze! It sure didn’t make senators McCain, Feinstein, and Levin feel good. It was false! they said. Grossly misleading! Inaccurate! -- Excuse me, senators. Since when do historical movies have to be accurate? It’s all about

ACTION. That’s what counts. Don’t let the movie drag on, just to make it factually accurate. Look at ARGO, which dealt with a rescue involving the Canadian embassy. Well, you know those Canadians. So low-key. So boring. So the screen writers came up with that bit about the problems at the airport, and WHAMMO: high drama. Those LINCOLN people don’t know sugar from shit. A quiet assassination doesn’t sell. Why didn’t they end the film with a shoot-out between Lincoln and John Wilkes Booth?

SEX. You know why Oscar host Seth MacFarlane got bad press? Because he wasn’t funny enough? Because his jokes were tasteless? Nah. Because he gave away the secret of Hollywood success with his totally uncalled-for song WE’VE SEEN YOUR BOOBS. The rat!

But here is what make a movie a sure winner --

THE GROUND GAME, the arduous job of manipulating opinion: maneuvering behind the scenes, glad-handing here, snubbing there, mass tweeting, huge ads, ear-shattering trailers, posh screening parties, extravagant promises, sweat, lies, and tears. The Academy Awards would be nothing without the men and women who have dedicated their lives to hype.

So, I’m asking you: why is there no OSCAR FOR BEST GROUND GAME?

Nope, sorry, nothing here on the US election. As Lincoln said, The Prayers of both could not be answered, and I don’t want you to OD on politics. Instead, I offer you sage advice on child rearing.

Awaken your child’s inner CEO. Guide to Help. We’ve Got Kids. Part II.

GROOMING. Make sure your child’s closet is filled with haute couture so that she can discover her INNER FASHIONISTA: page 28. Male or female, help your children EXPRESS THEIR STYLE AND INDEPENDENCE THROUGH THEIR CLOTHING: page 106. Choosing expensive stuff trains them in the executive DECISION-MAKING PROCESS: page 106. Now they can resolve questions such as: BLINGED ACCESSORIES or 18k GOLD JEWELLERY: pages 150, 152.

And never ever take them to a generic hair salon. MOBILE HAIR CUTTING is a possibility. Let the experts come to you. Better still go to a Children’s Hair Salon, preferably one that pampers your child with hand-made ITALIAN BRUSHES and offers mani-pedis, ear-piercing, and GREAT HAIR ACCESSORIES: pages 155, 160. But there is one listing that caught me by surprise -- I don’t know how it got past the editors: LICE SQUAD CANADA. Are you serious? No way would I risk taking my alpha kid to a place whose CEO couldn’t think of a better name for his establishment, something scientific like Pedicularian Institute, or a couple of innocuous initials like P.I. Am I right or am I right?

COUNSELLING. For optimal performance, your children need professional coaching. They will teach them the skills to OUTWIT, OUTRUN, AND OUT-TRICK their problems: page 112. Let them find their BETTER SELVES or, to be on the safe side, develop the ability to WALK ON WATER: page 141. Alternatively, yoga for all ages might work. And they mean ALL AGES, FROM O UP: PAGE 159. In any case, whatever you do, keep a MEDICAL JOURNAL to record those pleasant moments when your friendly pharmacist FLAVOURS ANY PRESCRIPTION to your taste: page 157. Umm, yummy medicine!

SPORTS. As soon as your child hits the age of 16 months, find a place that will use developmentally appropriate method to introduce practice, refine gross motor skills, and reinforce the benefits of teamwork: page 203. For skating lessons, you have to wait until they are 2.5 years old. Luckily: NO EXPERIENCE REQUIRED: page 213. The GOAL IS TO PROGRESS YOUR TRAINING GOALS(excuse me for asking, but is PROGRESS a transitive verb?): page 214. Or organize swimming lessons for your children in the comfort of your own home – the ad isn’t specific, but we assume they don’t mean your bathtub: page 217. If you don’t have an indoor pool, there are places that feature an AUTHENTIC BEACH ATMOSPHERE with 2000 tons of sand and tropical murals.

But why wait until your children become executives? Believe in them and THROW THE BASH OF THE CENTURY now with popping machines, magic castles, a smash cake and, most importantly, a TRIBUTE DVD: page 139. Come to think of it, that’s what I want for my next birthday: a TRIBUTE DVD. Heck, I’ll even take an TRIBUTE POEM. Ode to Rummel anyone?