THE VAGINA AND OTHER BODY PARTS. Hot new book titles.

When I saw the title of Naomi Wolf’s recent book, VAGINA. A NEW BIOGRAPHY, I thought her big V had decided to open up and tell all. But, no, it’s just a book-length announcement by the author: her cosmic, screaming orgasms are back. Well, congratulations, Naomi, and I think you’ve started a new trend, naming your book after a body part.

Now, VAGINA may be a bit shocking for the older generation, the ones who actually still read books. That’s why Hanna Rosin discreetly called her book THE END OF MEN. She could have called it THE ANUS OF MEN, but she didn’t want to give offense. Smart move, Hanna!

The authors of other bestsellers failed to catch on to the new trend. Or how do you explain that E.L. James called her sadomasochistic fantasy FIFTY SHADES OF GREY, when she could have named it after body parts, FIFTY LASHES OF GREY or simply HAMSTRUNG.

And I don’t understand how the author of the STEVE JOBS biography could have missed out on the obvious title: ADAM’S APPLE.

On the other hand, some titles are just plain misleading. Florence Williams’ BREASTS, it turns out, isn’t a biography of Hugh Hefner, founder of the centre-fold. It’s about breastfeeding and pollution. What a letdown. Or maybe I should say, what a BUMMER!

And Kathy Reichs wasted the title BONES ARE FOREVER on a novel, pre-empting its use for a biography of Lassie and other famous Hollywood canines.

Then there are authors who are too lazy to come up with their own body parts and just recycle old titles. Ian McEwan, for example, repurposed SWEET TOOTH, first used in 2009 by Jeff Lemire for his post-apocalyptic fable about a hybrid boy. McEwan’s book is a spy story and, according to reviewer Sutcliffe, like a cocktail, slipping down without trouble. In that case, he got the wrong body part. He should have filched the old bestseller title DEEP THROAT.

The idea is to focus on the main theme. For example, if Schwarzenegger or any of his geriatric co-stars on Expendables 2 decided to write an autobiography, they should definitely consider calling it WRINKLES. And if Nakoula Basseley Nakoula had stopped to think for a moment, he wouldn’t have given his video an irrelevant title like Innocent Muslims. He would have called it what it is: BRAINLESS or just plain SHIT.

Cheryl Strayed missed out, too, calling her account of a 1,100 mile hike WILD. I would have gone for SWEAT. And a hint to all you authors on the lookout for a winning title: My hunch is, bodily fluids will be the next big thing. Call your book BLOOD, TEARS, SALIVA, AND CUM, and you are bound to go to the top of the bestseller list.

Books, Shmooks: Musings on the New York Times Best Seller List

1.    FIFTY SHADES OF GREY. What’s the difference between “pornographic” and “erotic”? A mainstream publisher.

2.    FIFTY SHADES OF GREY, volume 2. Make like Hollywood. If it sells, put out a sequel ASAP.

3.    FIFTY SHADES OF GREY, volume 3. I’d be ashamed to put such schlock on my bookshelf. I’ll get it on Kindle.

4.    GONE GIRL. A woman disappears on the day of her anniversary. Is her husband the killer? Or was it the author, killing off a boring character?

5.    BARED TO YOU. Two troubled people develop an intense relationship. Wonder what this is about? A debt-ridden shrink and his patient? Mitt Romney and his VP candidate? Two obese people on adjacent seats in the subway?

6.    BLOODLINE. Where have I read this before? Oh, it’s on my bookshelf. Has been since 1968. But the 2012 book is by Rollins, and my 1968 copy is by Gaines. Is this another example of the 60s being hot again? Or just an example of recycling titles? Hhm. Should I entitle my next novel CRIME AND PUNISHMENT? Or FIFTY-ONE SHADES OF GREY?

7.    SUMMERLAND. The after effects of a deadly automobile crash. I’m waiting for WINTERLAND, the effects of a deadly avalanche. Or FALLLAND – no, too many ells. Make that AUTUMNLAND: Buried under a mound of leaves. SPRINGLAND: Drowning in a sea of mud. Too bad there are only four seasons, or three sequels. What was the publisher thinking of?

8.    FIFTY SHADES OF GREY TRILOGY. See 1,2, and 3. And possibly 6.

9.    COMING HOME. The Baxters plan a family reunion, but before the big day, the unthinkable happens. Like what? Only three people show up because everyone hates reunions? The catering service they hired folds and leaves them scrambling for a last-minute replacement? Uncle Fred quits smoking?

10. ONCE BURNED. Passion ignites between a vampire and a mortal cursed with dark power. Call 911. A commission will be appointed to determine the cause of the fire. By the time they issue their report, the passion has died down. It turns out it was only a fling.

Children Unite! An open letter to Anne-Marie Slaughter, E.L. James, and Tiger Mom.

We’ve had enough, all of us, from toddler to teenaged sons. And we mean you, Amy Chua, Anne-Marie Slaughter, E.L. James, and other embarrassing mothers and fathers.

But first we want to express our profound gratitude to the founder of the Take Back Your Childhood Movement, the person who has given us the courage to talk back. Let’s hear it for The Honest Toddler. It was he who made it clear at http://honesttoddler.wordpress.com/ that we will not tolerate any more organic food, especially of the lentil variety that looks like “rehydrated squirrel droppings.” We want sugar! We want Red 40 and Yellow 6! We want trans-fatty hamburgers from MacDonald’s!

And we’ll definitely not suffer any more family holidays with educational stops at museums. Read The Family Vacation Then and Now and ask yourself: what kind of happy family memories does that create? Who will pay the shrink’s bill when we grow up? We ask the same question of Jamie Lynne Grumet. Stop publishing pics of us sucking your breast. How are we going answer the schoolyard bullies when they hold up the front page of The Times?

We are not fooled by your professed altruism, Anne-Marie Slaughter. You say you are giving up your career for us and want to hover 24/7? Get back to your office. We are more than content with ten minutes of love every other day. We need that second salary. We are not content to give up the private school, the iPod touch 8 GB, the Nintendo DS Lite Cobalt, the party scene, our own Beamster, and the prospect of getting into Harvard, just because you want to indulge in foolish motherhood dreams. We want our unsupervised youth back.

That goes for you too, Amy Chua. Perfect your own piano score! We give you fair warning. We’ve been approached by a well-known human rights lawyer, who will represent us in our lawsuit against you. We want a cut of the royalties from Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. As Anne-Marie Slaughter said in her article in The Atlantic: You can’t have it all.

And you, E. L. James. We went fifty shades of red in our faces when we read your book. We want compensation for the embarrassment we’ve suffered in the halls, people quoting passages from your book, whispering “Don’t leave me” or gazing into our eyes with “fear and anguish” or asking us whether we wanted “a vanilla relationship with kinky fuckery”.

Enough is enough. All you children of oppressive parents unite! Join us in our fund raising campaign and demand money for writing your parents into your life. Our model is Toronto author Daniel Perlmutter (Globe & Mail, July 10), who will write you into his next novel for a price. $30 lets you invent a character, $750 allows you to determine the genre of his book, $1000 buys you an ending of your choice. Here is our pledge sheet for parents.

$100/mo and we’ll talk about toilet training.

We offer sliding rates for listening to your advice on job training: Plumber 500/mo. Lawyer 1000/mo. Heart specialist 2000/mo, more if it includes treating you.

$ 2000/mo and up if you want to determine our lifetime success.

Call us for rates on lasting marriages, guaranteed grandchildren, attendance at family reunions, etc.

Follow us on Twitter and Facebook. Battle Hymn of the Tiger Children is in the works.