MAKE ME UNCOMFORTABLE, PLEASE! THE ECONOMICS OF MASOCHISM.

Lauren Sandler has a new book out: One and Only: The Freedom of Having an Only Child. She defends limiting the number of kids because more women are breadwinners today and fully engaged with their jobs. They don’t want to spread themselves too thin, she says. Plus, they want to have more fun than parenting can offer. Wrong, and wrong again, Lauren. Listen to me:

First of all, mothers can be breadwinners AND have babies. I mean, look at Angelina Jolie. She earned 4 million Dollars for photo shots of daughter Shiloh in 2006, and 14 million for her twins in 2008.  I don’t call that spreading yourself thin. Oh, but she is a celebrity, you say. Well, then what about Jamie Lynn Spears: 1 million for her baby daughter in 2008. You think I made a mistake – I meant Britney Spears? No, I’m talking about Jamie Lynn “Nobody has heard of since” (Globe, 12 July). So, don’t believe a word of One and Only. First of all, dropping babies is a fully engaging and well paid job. And, secondly, it hurts. Yes, you heard me right. That’s a big plus. Hurting is IN, or why do you think women wear stilettos?

But you’ll be glad to hear that gainful suffering isn’t just for women. Daniel Merriweather, an Australian song-writer, has jumped the gender gap. He is set to collect a lot of royalties from his song, Water and Flame, which has been picked up by Celine Dion. And you know why? Because that song has every ounce of his heartache and pain in it (TO Star, 7 July). You see a cultural meme taking shaping here: the economics of masochism. Hurt and get paid!

But just as in other financial transactions, you can hurt now and get paid later. Metabolite blood tests are here, people. They can determine your life expectancy, give or take a few years. The possibilities of hurting right now are limitless: Cry yourself to sleep pondering your best before date. Write a tentative obituary. Design your coffin and flower arrangements. Just don’t do your planning while crossing a busy street. Getting hit by a car isn’t covered by metabolite tests.

A new bar in the New York Hilton on 6^th Ave also offers equal opportunity pain, if you dislike winter as much as I do, that is (Metro, 10 July). Called, Minus Five, because the temperature is kept at -5 degrees Celsius (22 Fahrenheit), the bar offers ice walls and ice benches, allowing patrons to wear gloves, boots, parkas and other ungainly articles of clothing that hurt your image. Naturally you will want to drink your vodka straight up – I mean, standing up to keep your butt from freezing. Unless you understand the economics of masochism and plan on selling images of your blue butt online.

Bonus points if you are Canadian! You can hurt and still feel patriotically good – because the ice around you is guaranteed 100 per cent Canadian.

They must be running short of the stuff in Alaska. If so, I hope the Feds slap an export tax on the Canadian winter.

 

Secrets of the Tabloid World II. From Khloe Kardashian to J.Lo.

Today we turn to STAR and OK for three more insights into the secret Tabloid World.

Insight # 1: IT’S A WAR ZONE.

Exploding BOMBSHELLS are an everyday thing, as O.J. Simpson, Monica Lewinski, and Angie can attest, but Matt Lauer went nuclear and had a MASSIVE MELTDOWN. Khloe K. and Lamar were lucky: they reached only the BOILING POINT although they had a BLOWOUT fight. And poor Britney can’t even have a mani-pedi without experiencing MAYHEM and screaming at people in a BRITISH ACCENT, OK tells us. I’m just glad Arnie Schwarzenegger wasn’t there. He would have screamed in a German accent, which is much much scarier.

Will there ever be peace in the Tabloid World? No, it’s a bloody battlefield out there, and everyone is just so DISTRAUGHT. Ashton and Mila Kunis, for example, had a HUGE BATTLE because she’s no longer pin-thin and he has GANGED UP on her with Dior. Meanwhile Lindsay and her mom got their pics into both STAR and OK because of their NEVER-ENDING WOES and permanent arguments that ESCALATED into a fight. Other celebs manage to keep it down to a FEUD, like Vanessa Hudgens and Selena Gomez. Mind you, feuds are no fun either. They always come with a NEMESIS, and can be a regular SMACKDOWN.

Insight # 2: BABIES ARE EVERYWHERE!

Thank God for babies which bring joy to tabloid photogs, whether they come in HOT STROLLERS like Jenny Alba’s or HAND-ME DOWN T-shirts like tightwad Angie’s or are being DROPPED by scary mom Britney. Some like their babies cute, but Clare Danes and husband Hugh Dancy are just glad theirs is a HUMAN BEING and they felt profound relief. In fact, we are all breathing a profound sigh of relief because new mom Snooki has gotten used to NOT SLEEPING. By contrast, poor J.Lo feels no relief because she has BABY FEVER, according to OK. Watch out J.Lo or you’ll infect your baby! That’s what happened to Nick Lachey’s son who caught CINCINNATI BENGAL FEVER. To avoid all risk, we advise sticking with a PROSTHETIC BUMP like the one Sofia Vergara carried in Modern Family. Or even better, forget baby and opt for a dog, like Marissa Jaret Winokur, whose Lola is a regular show girl.

Insight # 3: OLD AGE.

Yes, amazingly and in spite of everything, some people in the Tabloid World are aging, and horrible things happen to them. Liam Neeson’s KNEES CREAK, Julianne Moore CAN’T STOP SWEATING. Matt Lauer (who had a massive meltdown, see above Insight # 1) makes CATASTROPHIC MISTAKES and BARKS at his staff. Arnie Schwarzenegger only looks like he’s barking, but that’s because his dentist made catastrophic mistakes. Andy Cohen has turned into a CAMERA HOG and sneaks into celebrity photo ops. Only Brad has escaped the ravages of old age. His former golden locks “might be more salt and pepper now,” the Star says, but it adds to his SOPHISTICATION.

Great coverage, you say? No, I’m deeply disappointed with STAR and OK. They forgot to include THEN and NOW photos, which as the ENQUIRER knows are essential to age-related features. So how can I be sure that Liam wasn’t born with creaky knees and Brad was less sophisticated in former days?