STOCKMARKET BETS. Let the Diagnostic Manual guide you.

Hedge fund manager Vijai Mohan was looking for an instrument that would…make him a lot of money. He found it according to the Globe & Mail, 27 April. He is betting that Canada’s housing market and banking system will come apart at the seams. Apparently betting against the Canadian dollar is a popular sport among financial analysts these days, but I can think of safer bets, gentlemen.

Is there a hedge fund for marriages?  Betting on them coming apart at the seams within, say, seven years of signing the register strikes me as a solid investment. Or gun control. Wanna bet the NRA will trump the people’s will again? Or the weather. It can only get worse, right? But maybe those things are too obvious to be listed on the stock market. Let me think now – Tada! I’ve got the deal of the century for you, Mr. Mohan. Why not bet on the rise of grief and anxiety?

I know you are slapping your forehead and moaning: Why didn’t I think of that while reading the daily headlines about mass shootings, terrorism, earth quakes—

No, Mr. Mohan, I’m not talking about that old stuff. I’m talking about the new edition of the Diagnostic Manual for Mental Disorders (DSM), which has introduced something called somatic symptom disorder. What does it mean? It means you may be sick when you worry about losing your job or your girlfriend. You may be suffering from a mental illness when you grieve over the death of a loved one. If you detect any of those negative feelings, don’t wait! Make an appointment with your psychiatrist and start popping pills to overcome the symptom burden. 

But before you place your bets, Mr. Mohan, let me clarify. We may not actually experience higher levels of grief or anxiety once the DMS is out, but we’ll definitely experience more hype from the pharmaceutical industry and their hacks (oops, I meant to say key opinion leaders).

So here’s your instrument, Mr. Mohan. You can’t lose with the DMS. You don’t believe me? Read the stats, my friend. When the authors of the DSM first included Attention Deficit Disorder in their lists, the disorder tripled in the USA.  

And now the pharmaceutical industry has its eyes on any excessive and disproportionate thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. Watch them include undue happiness (UH) in their next edition. They mean well, of course. For example, you might get excited about landing that dream job. DON’T. As soon as you feel any palpitation, speed-dial the psychiatrist. You need medication to relieve the symptom burden and get back to your normal joyless existence. Writing an exam and feeling the adrenaline kick in? – WHOA, pop that pill, and get your brain back to its normal idling position. Jumping up and down after winning the lottery? Think about your functional status and get a prescription that will lower your spirits from an UH high to the normal DUH.

Feeling upset after reading this info? Feeling the symptom burden of uneasiness? Oh-oh. Time to take your medication. And invest with Mr. Mohan.