A Book For Our Times: Help! We’ve Got Kids. 269pp. No charge.

 

Of course it’s advertising. What did you think? 269 pages of ads for parents of Alpha kids and future CEOs.

You want your children to succeed? Start early. First off, announce their birth with a 7-foot stork on your front lawn: page 153. Then get help for Alpha mom to help her ACHIEVE HER BREASTFEEDING GOALS (produce supermilk to speed up CEO development?): page 73. That hurdle overcome, we proceed to Phase Two:

DAYCARE. We are not talking about your child toddling around and wasting precious time. No, we are talking about guided activities that will foster CREATIVITY AND SELF CONFIDENCE, activities that will help your children to realize their TRUE POTENTIAL: page 13. A few ads mention fun, which is a mistake in my opinion even if they stress their activities are both RECREATIONAL AND COMPETITIVE. I myself would go for something more sophisticated, activities that have CULTURAL VALUE. What you want for your tot is the FINEST PERFORMING ARTS EXPERIENCE: page 8/9. And remember: it’s never too soon to teach them ballroom dancing. Or build up an art portfolio. Those Alpha tots ARE LITTLE GENIUSES AND BRING HOME MASTER PIECES: page 26. You can’t put them to work soon enough – so on to Phase Three:

EVENTS or parties as they used to be called in the olden days before parents hired professional organizers. These guys will make your children DIG UP FOSSILS, BUILD WOODEN CARS, and direct them to MAKE THEIR OWN TEDDYBEARS, in other words, stuff they can list on their cv when applying to that coveted private school: pages 53, 63. Certified balloon artists will go only so far if you want to develop your child’s CEO potential. Bug parties are more educational and make your tot ECOLOGICALLY AWARE: page 48/9. Although I’m asking myself – is that a good thing? What if your kid ends up with a career in the oil patch? No, I’d go with INTERACTIVE ENTERTAINMENT such as WRESTLEMANIA or the UNFORGETTABLE FIGHTER PILOT EXPERIENCE: page 58. Or DRAMATIC HORSEMANSHIP: page 63. Or the magic of SIXTY PERCUSSION INSTRUMENTS: pages 55. Especially if your kid’s room is sound-proof. Which it ought to be if you have hired the right interior decorator. That brings us to

PERSONAL SPACE. Custom room design is a must for the future executive. Ambitious parents will go for a THEMED ROOM to express their children’s dreams. Ensure MATCHING FABRICS and instal MOTIVATIONAL PRINTS. Make it posh, personal and handpainted, and watch your child’s SPACE COME ALIVE: pages 116-117.

So now we’re about half way through the Kiddie Yellow Pages. Watch for the next instalment of my guide to your kid’s CEO future.