THE BOOK OF MORMON – NO, I DON’T MEAN THE MUSICAL. I MEAN THE SATIRICAL.

Some years ago I was given a Mormon Bible, but it’s only now that I realize its relevance to my secular life. Let me quote you a few bits.

This one, I think, is about politicians:

And thus they were supported in their laziness…by the taxes put upon the people. Thus did the people labor exceedingly to support iniquity (Mosiah 11:6).

This may be about the Middle East and peace being short-lived under the best of circumstances:

They were favored by the Lord, and thus they were free from wars and contentions among themselves, yea, even for the space of four years (Alma 28:20).

I’m pretty sure this one is about self-publishing.

Thou shalt not covet thine own property, but impart it freely to the printing of the book.
Pay the debt you have contracted with the printer and release thyself from bondage (Doctrine and Covenants 19:26, 35).

This may help Al-Anon:

He built wine-presses and made wine in abundance. And therefore he became a wine-bibber.

(And, no, I didn’t make up the quotes)

 

 

A MAN OF "PROFOUND DISSIMULATION": THE TRICKS OF POPE SIXTUS V.

Never had a person more craftily concealed his ambition than Cardinal Montalto (later Sixtus V). He combined a proud mind with profound dissimulation. At the conclave he smothered his vivacity of spirit and became an example of dull and blockish stupidity. He counterfeited so many diseases and infirmities of old age that it seemed he was stooping into his grave.

The other cardinals thought they had found the ideal candidate, a pope after their own heart, whom they could easily control. They began to reckon amongst themselves the great advantages they should make of a silly old coxcomb.

A vote was held, and as soon as Montalto saw that he had the needed majority, he leaped out of his seat, threw away his staff that had hitherto supported him instead of a crutch and began to stretch so that he appeared half as big again as he was before.

At the mass celebrating his elevation to the papacy, he roared out the Te Deum with a thundering voice. When Farnese heard him, he said: I perceive we have gotten a Pope who will make fools and asses of us.

The next day Montalto, now Sixtus V, gave a splendid banquet. Seeing the pope stir about busily, one of the cardinals commented: Your Holiness did not seem to have so much strength yesterday. The Pope smartly took him up and said: Yesterday I was not pope, today I am.

(Source: Anonymous pamphlet entitled The Intrigues of the Conclave at the Choosing of

 a Pope)

THE INSIDE STORY: ELECTING POPE SIXTUS V, 1585

The Cardinals entered the conclave. Small apartments, or cells, had been erected in the long Gallery and hung with Purple Cloth.

The conclavists are generally the craftiest fellows that can be met with. To avoid any undue influence, even the dishes served are searched, lest there should be any letters concealed in them.

To become pope, a candidate must receive two-thirds of the vote, which is rarely the case.

An alternative way to elect a pope is “by access”. Each cardinal rising from his seat goes and makes a profound reverence to him whom he would have elected.

The method which makes the greatest noise and bustle is the way of Adoration, which is seldom put in practice but when some young and hot headed Cardinals resolve to become masters of the election. They plot among themselves, agree on one man, and fall down before him on their knees.

Others follow suit, unwilling to stand out and incur the displeasure of him who may be elected without them.

The pope so chosen is led to the Sacristy, where he is clothed in pontifical robes and seated at the altar. The cardinals approach in order to kiss his feet, hands, and mouth. This done, the doors of the conclave are opened, and the pope shows himself to the people and blesses them.

That is the prescribed method, but he that desires a true specimen of all the little arts and tricks whereby the candidates procure votes, should read the following account…[TO BE CONTINUED IN MY NEXT BLOG POST].

(Source: Anonymous pamphlet entitled The Intrigues of the Conclave at the Choosing of a Pope)

TRANSLATOR WANTED FOR A MICROHISTORY OF MARIENAU (NEAR GDANSK).

Here are a few sample passages:

• In 1919 Emil Enns married. He could not take over his parents’ farm because two of his sisters, Liesbeth and Wanda, had not yet been taken care of. He therefore moved into a small property across from the mill and built bee houses, keeping 80 hives. He also planted a mulberry hedge and tried his luck with silk worms.  In addition, he raised chicken. He bought three apparatuses for breeding, heated with petroleum. If requested, he sterilized cocks.
• Homemade butter and eggs were sold on the market. To cool the supply of butter in the summer, they used blocks of ice cut in the winter from the frozen river Schwente and stored under a layer of straw in the barn.
• A mother’s letter to her son, a soldier in the German army, 30 August, 1944:[We] were assigned three Jewish workers, certainly the worst of the lot in the whole transport. They did nothing. After two days all three pretended to be sick. It was hard to take. Walter asked me to take them back to Stuttgart, which I did… I hope this terrible war will soon be over.
• On 24 January, 1945, the inhabitants of Marienau flee from the advancing Russian army. Gerda Esau writes: Only one person remained behind on each farm to look after the animals. In our case, it was Heinrich Schulz. He said good-bye to his wife and eight children, who came along with us…We didn’t wait for the others because it was snowing and the situation was critical. Gustav Philippsen writes:  We waited to be picked up, but no one came. The Russian tanks had reached Elbing. The roads were full of refugees, so we decided to set out with our goods packed in sleds and baby carriages. Gustav Fieguth writes: The commotion was great. The axles of many covered wagons broke, some of them were dashed. A few kilometers behind us the battle was raging. In the early morning of 24 January the Russians came and shot the owner of the milk-processing plant, together with his two sons, and raped his wife. He had stayed behind, thinking the Russians would spare them because he was a Swiss citizen.

The source of these passages is a book, written in German and self-published by Helmut Enss (b. 1921), a German high school teacher, who wanted to document the history of his native village, Marienau.  ANYONE INTERESTED IN TRANSLATING THE BOOK INTO ENGLISH?

 

HOW TO WOO A RENAISSANCE WOMAN.

• It’s your wedding night. Your wife is a virgin. Better give her instructions, such as: Now take pleasure in what I do and let me know that you do. Then go about consummating the marriage, and if all goes well, she will clasp you and swoon.
• She doesn’t return your feelings? Make her feel guilty. Tell her you are dying of love for her. Your life is in her hands. And whoever can save someone and refrains from doing so is a murderer.
• Explain the advantages of an active sex life: I see many girls who before marriage were pale, run-down, and as good as gone.  The sexual side of marriage brightened them so much that they began to bloom at last.
• Do NOT follow this man’s example: He sits at table like one who is mute, speaking to his wife only when he decides to rattle her ears and reprimand whatever she has said or done.
• Here is another method that didn’t succeed:He climbed up a tree to my bedroom window…I rushed to the window naked as on the day I was born, and slammed it in his face.

But even if you can’t win her heart, do not go to extremes like this unhappy lover:

He concentrated his thought on his long love for her, on her present coldness towards him and resolved not to go on living. He clenched his fists and held his breath until finally he expired.

(Sources: Gherardi da Prato, Erasmus, Boccaccio)