On behalf of Senator Patrick Brazeau and Lonesome George: Mind your own business!

Someone has to speak up for those who want to be left alone. So, going from the ridiculous to the sublime, I start with

TOILET USERS: The toilet was once called a privy, as in “private”. Now we have iPoo, an invention that allows us to connect with other toilet users of a gregarious mind (Metro, June 13). Apparently it’s sold through iTunes -- can a pop chart of toilet noises be far behind?

PATRICK BRAZEAU: The senator missed 65% of meetings of the aboriginal peoples committee, as pointed out by journalist Jennifer Ditchburn. Oh wait, he doesn’t need me to speak up for him. He has a twitter account and a nice turn of phrase. He suggested replacing the D in Ditchburn with a B because she showed no regard “for personal lives and situations”. You go, Senator! You don’t owe an explanation to the public just because they pay your salary!

TORTOISES: Lonesome George, a rare tortoise refusing to procreate, has died, perhaps from embarrassment after a Swiss zoology student smeared herself with female tortoise hormone and manually stimulated him over 4 months.