ADDED VALUE. From heroin to customized driveways

SERIOUS HETEROSEXUAL

A shipment of carpets from Pakistan was confiscated at the Toronto airport. The carpets had heroin woven into their fibres (Metro 26 Sept). Can you imagine buying a carpet and finding it comes with a heroin high? Wonderful! Like buying a dress and finding Miley Cyrus woven into it. The residual rights of her songs would add considerable value to that dress. Not to mention the twerking advantage.

Let’s look at other items with added value.

What about an afternoon at an Angelstone Show Jumping event, which comes with a date night? According to the ad in Metro, this is what you get for a 2000 Dollar investment: limo service, ringside seats (are these boxing horses?), champagne, and dinner at a Love Seat for Two People. As the ad says: No better way to experience the sport. On second thought, the added value is iffy. Note the gender neutral phrasing “two people” – what if the other person isn’t the gender of my choice? Oh, you mean the date isn’t included in the 2000 Dollars?

Let me suggest a more solid investment and a better sport: become the CEO of a company that’s going under. With any luck you can add a great deal of value to your salary, such as the 55 million golden handshake Thorsten Heins got from Blackberry (reuters.com).

On a more moderate scale, students of literature can add value to their education by enrolling in David Gilmoure’s course, which guarantees that you read only the best writers -- serious heterosexual guys-- and don’t waste your time on Indians or women like Atwood (Globe, 26 Sept). It always pays to have your judgment honed. Residual benefits in later life: you won’t waste your time on culture and go straight for that golden handshake.

Fashion trends play right into our value added theme. Apparently Prada showed stellar graphics on the runway. Great! When you are through with wearing that dress referencing African art, you can hang it on the wall. Saves on decor and on closet space, too. Residual benefit: use your walk-in closet as an extra bedroom.

Yup, if you are in the market for real estate, you may have noticed: the size of bedrooms has shrunk dramatically. But never mind bedrooms. Let me give you a hot, hot real estate tip: driveways are in. The old asphalt thing is totally done.  That’s why David Ulick of Pasadena gave his driveway an antique finish with reclaimed red bricks (courier-journal.com). Sounds like a bumpy ride to me, but hey! Ulick thinks he has added some serious curb appeal to his house. And maybe an extra bedroom, too. Wouldn’t you want to sleep in your car if your driveway is designer style and maintains heritage?