IN THE APP STORE: HOT DATES AND COOL BUDGETS

 

View crotch shot. Swipe right. Open chat window.

That’s the procedure, I gather from John Mazerolle’s inspired review of the dating app Tinder (Metro 25 July). Thank you, John. You gave me the courage to look at other time and face saving wonder apps. Here is a selection from the abundant store of apple.com.

• iMovie -- allows you to make your own movies. No, wait, your own trailers – but that’s good enough. Never mind the actual movies. Don’t bother with content, which is an outdated concept. Just make sure you have thrilling titles flash across the screen accompanied by an epic sound track. Tap, swipe, drag, add some Ken Burns-style panning effects, and you’re all set for going viral on YouTube  and off to a great career as a director of trailers. -- I myself am more into words than pictures. So I took a look at
• Pages, which promises writers success in three easy steps: Choose a great design. Write some clever words. Drop in a few images. Yes, but where do I get the clever words from? Don’t worry. It’s all in the keyboard. It will make writing natural and fun and allow you to use both thumbs. I guess that’s the trick! Don’t let your other fingers get in the way of clever words. And you know what – with Pages you’ll never have to worry about grammar again. They guarantee an amazing style. Oh wait, they mean “style” as in amazingly shaped letters. So I guess I still have to add nouns and verbs myself. Bummer. --But some people are more worried about numbers than words. If you find yourself on the brink of bankruptcy, apple.com has just the thing to get you out of that tight spot:
• Numbers. Just go to the heading: Everything is flexible, where you’ll find that it all amounts to easy. The programme provides you with intelligent tables and brilliant cells. So get rid of your accountant, that old grouch. No, wait, I just see here: you still have to input your own data and organize them, but it can’t be hard, judging by the next heading: Entering data is exponentially more fun. More fun than what – pulling teeth? Never mind. Let’s just say, it’s less like work and more like play. Want to know what it would look like to be debt-free? Slide your finger to increase or decrease value in a cell. But will it satisfy your creditors – that’s the question. I say: go with those eye-catching spreadsheets and custom coloured charts, and trust apple.com’s promise: Your creditors will see the data your way.

Unless they’ve been visiting the brain shop aka Cottage Center for Brain Fitness in Santa Barbara and turbocharged their neurons. In that case, they’ll be able to see right through your app magic. Patricia Marx (NYer 29 July) has been surveying the industry combating cerebral slack, and let me tell you, if you’ve got the money, they’ve got a brain training programme for you. The one that really impressed me was emWave, which builds up coherence and makes sure your personal energy is accumulated, not wasted. Wow! I wonder if apple will come up with Numbers 2.0, in which personal funds are accumulated, not wasted. Because that’s the kind of coherence my accountant wants -- that old grouch.