WEARABLE TECH GADGETS. An open letter to Sergey Brin.
Putting sensors and mini computers into clothes and accessories is THE NEXT FRONTIER, says Google co-founder Sergey Brin (LAT 21 Feb).
I think you should hire me, Sergey, so I can save your company from some big mistakes. For example, the
- WRIST WATCH which reads out text messages aloud. No. No. No. Imagine Nicole Kidman giving an interview and suddenly her watch goes: “Sorry to hear that your new face doesn’t move, Nicole. Will schedule corrective surgery.” Sergey, listen up: I want a watch with SILENT text messages. Or maybe just a really big wrist band for my cell phone. Then there is the
- JACKET that heats up when you are cold. Okay, but what if the guy sitting next to me at the conference table has a wrist watch that reads out text messages aloud, and it bleats: That menopausal bitch is having hot flashes again! Sergey, please: Instead of going hot or cold, could my jacket change shape so I can stay in fashion? I’d really appreciate that. As for
- EYEGLASSES that display directions. Meh. Yes, my brain is deteriorating, Sergey, but my problem is forgetting people’s names. So, instead of directions, could I see the name of my conversation partner displayed on his forehead?
Tech gadgets “can be transformative for your lifestyle,” you say. “That’s our job at Google X.” Sergey, I love you! I was getting so tired of working on my lifestyle, but now I can let Google take over. Or get
- Fitbit Wireless activity tracker, which helps people lead healthier lives. And, I assume, will read out text messages like: Stop pigging out now, you swine! Or: Heart attack alert! Stop that filthy sex act now!
- Jump analytics on a HEAD-MOUNTED DISPLAY – sexy word BTW, no? Just imagine the poor sucker is up in mid-air and the battery in his jump analytics device goes dead. How will he get down to earth? Oh, right. Built-in gravity! Whew. Developers are also working on a
- Smartphone app that lets you locate and track friends. You mean I can track ALL my Facebook friends? Or just the ones whose jacket changes temperature when I approach?
But as Intel’s USER EXPERIENCE RESEARCHER Cory Booth admits: There is always the risk of overcomplicating things. Cory, you’ve made my day! I’ve done USER EXPERIENCE RESEARCH all my life. Thanks to you, I now understand that this is a career. As I said, SERGEY, HIRE ME. I’ve found my calling!