Still more from THE HAMMER OF WITCHES: The trial procedure

In a case of witchcraft, the prisoner is not permitted to know the names of his accusers, [because they may be bewitched in revenge]. But the judge must inquire into any personal enmity felt by the witnesses toward the prisoner.  For the less opportunity the prisoner has to defend himself, the more carefully and diligently should the judge conduct his inquiry.

The witch should be led backward into the presence of the judge [so that she cannot bewitch him with her eyes]. As a precaution she should be stripped and her hair shaved from every part of her body, for witches are in the habit of hiding charms in their hair or even in the most secret parts of their bodies which must not be named.

[If she is recalcitrant, she must be tortured].

If, after being properly tortured, she still refuses to confess the truth, she should be shown other instruments of torture and threatened that she would have to endure those. If then she is not induced by terror to confess, the torture must be continued for a second and third day.

Let the judge take note whether she is able to shed tears when standing in his presence or when being tortured. A witch will not be able to weep, although she will assume a tearful aspect and smear her cheeks and eyes with spittle to make it appear that she is weeping.

[The devil has made witches immune to red-hot irons.]

A witch in Constance asked for trial by red-hot iron and carried it not only for the stipulated three paces, but offered to carry it even farther. Although the judge ought to have taken this as manifest proof that she was a witch, she was released and lives to the present day, which is a great scandal to the faith!

More from the inquisitor's manual, THE HAMMER OF WITCHES: The fury of a woman scorned.

In the town of Regensburg, a young man had an affair with a girl and, when he left her, lost his penis through a spell she cast over him.

In his worry he went to a tavern to get drunk and started talking to a woman there, telling her everything and giving a physical demonstration of his loss.

The woman said: “If you can’t persuade her to restore your health, you must use violence.”

The next evening he talked to the girl, but she maintained her innocence. Then he fell upon her and, throttling her with a towel, said: “Unless you give me back my health, you shall die at my hands.”

With her face already swelling and turning black, she said: “Let me go, and I will heal you.” The young man relaxed the pressure of the towel, and the witch touched him between his legs, saying: “Now you have what you desire.” And the young man plainly felt, even before he verified it by looking or touching, that his penis had been restored. 

Note: Do not believe that a penis can really be removed from the body, but rather that it is hidden by the devil through magic art so that it can be neither seen nor felt.

 

WHY SUPERSTITION IS CHIEFLY FOUND IN WOMEN

From The Hammer of Witches, 1486:

                             Why Superstition Is Chiefly Found In Women

• They are more credulous than men, and since the chief aim of the devil is to corrupt faith, he attacks them by preference.
• They are readier to receive spiritual influences. When they use this quality well, they are very good, but when they abuse it, they are very bad.
• They have slippery tongues.
• They are feebler in mind and body than men.
• They were formed from a bent rib [of Adam], which makes them deceptive.
• The word femina [Latin for woman] is derived from fe [faith] and minor [less].
• They are affected by strong passions, given to brooding and vengeance…wherefore it is no wonder that so great a number of witches exist.
• Women have weak memories…to follow their own impulses without thinking of what is due – that’s all they can keep in mind.
• Woman is a liar by nature.
• She is more dangerous than a snare…If she places her hands on a creature to bewitch it, she achieves her purpose with the help of the devil.

GOING IN A NEW DIRECTION

Yes, friends, I’ve changed the heading and the direction of my blog. From now on I’m posting quotations from historical sources that may surprise or shock or amuse you. I begin with the Hammer of Witches, a medieval handbook for inquisitors, compiled by Heinrich Kramer and Jakob Sprenger and first published in 1486.

THE FARCE OF LIFE.

How can I parody a man who is shaped like a Goodyear blimp and looks like a parody of a man? I mean Rob Ford, the crack-smoking mayor of Toronto and friend of downtrodden drug dealers. How can I improve on his statement I don’t throw my friends under the bus? Is that a kind of update on the biblical casting pearls before swine?

How can I spoof the incompetence of government employees when they beat me to it with their glitch-prone US healthcare site? Can I be funnier than spokeswoman Marilyn Tavenner, who apologized and promised to bring in a new infusion of talent (reuters.com)? Oh no, please, Marilyn, we are still trying to cope with the first load of talent. Tavenner, by the way, is a former nurse. I can just see her holding your hand, as you lie on your deathbed after a botched operation: Don’t worry, dear. We’ll bring in a new infusion of talent.

How can I improve on the news of teenagers beginning to lose interest in Facebook and Prof Neil Bearse’s profound analysis of the trend: Teenagers tend to stay away from places when their parents, teachers or potential employers show up (Globe 31 Oct). Oh, so you need a doctorate and a chair in a School of Business to come up with that bit of insight? How can I improve on Neil Bearse’s DUH statement?

Speaking of Facebook: apparently it is now the provider of news for 78 percent of its users. People go on to Facebook to share personal moments, and they discover the news almost incidentally, as Amy Mitchell of PEW explains. How can I beat that for satirical value?

I can’t. So farewell to spoofing contemporary events. From now on my incredible stories will be taken from bygone times. I have in mind something along the lines of “facts are stranger than historical fiction.”

Yes, friends, that’s my new motto. Future blog posts will feature rummelsincrediblestories from the past.