LITTLE ME. The 3D version.

In the news (Metro 3 Oct): English tech startup Levavo offers the opportunity to 3D print a miniature version of yourself, down to the wrinkles on your face and the creases in your t-shirt.

 

I can see many uses for mini-me, especially if it can be combined with mini-android features and serve as my double.

• On the mantelpiece of elderly relatives, offering congratulations on their birthday or best wishes for the season.
• Living in a tiny expensive condo downtown while the real me enjoys a human-sized residence in cheap exurbia.
• Flying tourist class to Europe. Those seats will be so roomy for mini-me, and the meal portions just right. The little bottle of wine will make me positively heady.
• Dealing with the tangle of electrical cords under my desk and, while down there, getting rid of the dust bunnies.
• Taking the subway during rush hour. No wait, I might get trampled. Come to think of it, there might be other dangers, such as meeting the neighbour’s dog face to face. Not to speak of meeting my date face to knee.

Hey, Levavo, how about coming up with a flexible 3D of me that can be shrunk or extended, as needed? Giant-me would come in handy in an encounter with a mugger. A bit of down-sizing could serve in lieu of going on a diet. Voila: thin-me.

And do those 3D versions come in different colours? A black-me would be great when applying for a job with a company favouring minorities.  For Halloween, I’d like an orange-me.

Actually, Levavo, I have a ton of ideas for you. I suggest you take me on as a partner. I’ll be whatever size you want, as long as my payout is giant.

 

STRANGE BEDFELLOWS. Sponsors from Bosch to Scotiabank.

Have you noticed those little logos in the corners of print advertisements? They are from the co-sponsors of whatever the ads are trying to push on you.  I understand completely. It’s all about sharing the costs. But looking at the Toronto Star (2 Oct), I find the combination of sponsors puzzling.

Take the Princess Margaret Hospital Lottery, which promises “one big prize after another.” Why is it sponsored by the Toronto Maple Leafs? Is the Stanley Cup one of the prizes? Are they looking for an inside track?

The CBC’s Dragons’ Den ad is co-sponsored by Ford Motors and Scotiabank.  Is Ford looking for entrepreneurial talent to prevent another bailout? And is Scotiabank trying to get on CBC’s good side to keep them from reporting on their debit card glitches?

The ad for Bosch Dishwashers comes with a little thingy for Delta Vacations. Do we need a vacation from “German Engineering” or just the “crusty pans” the Bosch machine takes care of?

Then there are the cryptic cooperators. An ad for Transatlantic and European Cruises sports the logos NCL and YMT. Can you give me a hint, guys? NCL, as in Nitrogen Trichloride?  YMT as in the place where you can get “frivolous massages” (ymt.me)? Or is this a rude text message decoded by urbandictionary.com as “Your Mamma’s Titties”?

A Hudson Bay ad also keeps me guessing. It’s an ad for shoes featuring a picture of designer Sam Edelman. Apparently he’ll autograph the “purchases made on the day of the event.” You mean he’ll write on my stuff? Is this ad co-sponsored by the Association of Vandals and Graffiti Artists?

I think I prefer the ad for Nav Bhatia’s Hyundai dealership, which declares: “Everyone is approved”. This must be co-sponsored by the National Association for Boosting Self-esteem, although I don’t see their logo anywhere.

ADDED VALUE. From heroin to customized driveways

SERIOUS HETEROSEXUAL

A shipment of carpets from Pakistan was confiscated at the Toronto airport. The carpets had heroin woven into their fibres (Metro 26 Sept). Can you imagine buying a carpet and finding it comes with a heroin high? Wonderful! Like buying a dress and finding Miley Cyrus woven into it. The residual rights of her songs would add considerable value to that dress. Not to mention the twerking advantage.

Let’s look at other items with added value.

What about an afternoon at an Angelstone Show Jumping event, which comes with a date night? According to the ad in Metro, this is what you get for a 2000 Dollar investment: limo service, ringside seats (are these boxing horses?), champagne, and dinner at a Love Seat for Two People. As the ad says: No better way to experience the sport. On second thought, the added value is iffy. Note the gender neutral phrasing “two people” – what if the other person isn’t the gender of my choice? Oh, you mean the date isn’t included in the 2000 Dollars?

Let me suggest a more solid investment and a better sport: become the CEO of a company that’s going under. With any luck you can add a great deal of value to your salary, such as the 55 million golden handshake Thorsten Heins got from Blackberry (reuters.com).

On a more moderate scale, students of literature can add value to their education by enrolling in David Gilmoure’s course, which guarantees that you read only the best writers -- serious heterosexual guys-- and don’t waste your time on Indians or women like Atwood (Globe, 26 Sept). It always pays to have your judgment honed. Residual benefits in later life: you won’t waste your time on culture and go straight for that golden handshake.

Fashion trends play right into our value added theme. Apparently Prada showed stellar graphics on the runway. Great! When you are through with wearing that dress referencing African art, you can hang it on the wall. Saves on decor and on closet space, too. Residual benefit: use your walk-in closet as an extra bedroom.

Yup, if you are in the market for real estate, you may have noticed: the size of bedrooms has shrunk dramatically. But never mind bedrooms. Let me give you a hot, hot real estate tip: driveways are in. The old asphalt thing is totally done.  That’s why David Ulick of Pasadena gave his driveway an antique finish with reclaimed red bricks (courier-journal.com). Sounds like a bumpy ride to me, but hey! Ulick thinks he has added some serious curb appeal to his house. And maybe an extra bedroom, too. Wouldn’t you want to sleep in your car if your driveway is designer style and maintains heritage?

AVERSION THERAPY. The Boomer Effect

Headline in the Globe, 25 Sept: Baby Boomers rediscover Marijuana. Apparently teenagers are already aware of this trend among the old folks and have therefore decided that smoking up is no longer cool. There was a sharp drop in use among 15-24 year olds. “It doesn’t seem to be as much fun for the kids anymore,” Alison Myrden observed.

Hey, there’s a lesson here for all you opinion makers!

Facebook executives, watch out. According to the Pittsburg Post-Gazette, the old generation has massively taken to the social network (“OMG Mom’s on Facebook!”). In other words, posting on the Page is no longer cool.

If the practices of boomers have that kind of dampening effect, why don’t we get them to drive recklessly? Perhaps it will make defensive driving cool. And if that works, we should also encourage Boomers to twerk and hope for a sharp drop in the number of young offenders against good taste. Next, we could ask the old guys to spray graffiti and totally disgust youthful vandals.

The dislikes of Boomers are marketable as well. They could be helpful to industries hoping to expand their sales to the coveted 15-24 age group.

I suggest publishers spread the rumour that Boomers hate books. It might attract a youthful readership.

And a word of advice for Harper’s strategists: Whipping up boomer interest in Justin Trudeau might help you kill the Liberals.

Finally:  Would Blackberry have recovered its market share and flourished, if Boomers had scorned its product?

HOW TO BECOME A CHAMPION. Blood, water, and surgery.

The other day the Globe & Mail ran a headline that got my immediate attention: Ultimate Dieting. But this diet, it turned out, isn’t for ordinary shlubs like me. It’s for champions -- Ultimate Fighting Champions, to be exact. To get into the lightweight division, Jesse Ronson needed to lose weight, or rather water. That meant going thirsty, peeing often and sweating for hours in the sauna. How did he feel about that? Not good. Side effects included fatigue, cramping, irritability, and nausea. The Globe article doesn’t mention where Jesse’s significant other was during the purge. Maybe she joined him, and they cramped together and took turns being irritable & looking at each other nauseated. Or maybe Jesse suffered alone, and that’s the price you pay for being a champion.

I myself am looking for an easier way to get to the top.

How about blood loading to increase stamina? This method involves raising your oxygen level with transfusions of your own centrifuged blood. That’s like growing your own weed, right? You know it’s pure, and you cut out the middleman. Unfortunately, like growing weed, blood doping is illegal. It was outlawed in 1986, although they forgot to tell Lance Armstrong.

So I’m too late for that particular short-cut to championship, but if I hurry, I can still get an eye operation. That hasn’t been outlawed yet.

Champion baseball players need exceptional eyesight to process information on fast balls moving at 90 miles an hour. 20-20 vision, which I wish I had, is not good enough for champions. According to providencejournal.com, a lot of players have their sight surgically corrected to 20-12, so they can see at 20 feet what normal people see at 8. In my case that would mean I can look into the mirror and, without putting on my glasses, see the crowfeet radiating from my eyes.

No, it would be easier (not to mention, more democratic) if the Special Olympics broadened their definition of handicap and created a division for myopic, overweight people, 65 and over: the M-O-65+ division. But I bet you some people would cheat their way into qualifying for M-O-65+ with myopic-eye surgery, illicit weight-gain clinics, and fake birth certificates.

You know what? Fuhgeddaboudit! I’ll go on living in a short-sighted haze and will be rewarded every morning when I look in the mirror and see my face unlined and unblemished. Ultimate youth!